438 days since I’ve called that number, and I still need to call that number almost everyday and ask... what time are you coming home?

The list of things I need to tell Trey just keeps on growing...nothing important - I am one of those crazies that talks to Trey non stop. I spend a lot of time alone...and I’ve started talking to Trey, talking to the dogs...full on conversations.

Which way do they want to walk today? Talking to bess about Beauregard... telling Trey about the new Bess - now she basically sits and stares at me waiting to go on a walk.

But growing in my head is this huge long list of little things that normally I would pick up the phone and call Trey or text him.

I wake up at 4 in the morning needing to call Trey. I don’t know why ... I’ve never called Trey in the mornings. It’s really really hard to not be able to talk with him - about nothing.

Those absolutely meaningless conversations that now mean everything.

Just to be able to say ‘hey guess what I heard?’ Or ‘Did you know???’

Or even his random calls saying he wanted Mediterranean pork chops on the grill....or to get a chicken he wants to barbecue.

I feel like everything changed instantly twice, and was taken away. Everything.

The first time I had all of my own personal control taken away temporarily. The second time everything that I had known was taken. Not only Trey, the biggest support, safety net, and comfort I had ever known...but, I lost everything. The only life I had ever known. Totally gone.

Work, career, all of the knowledge I had gained over the years...gone.

Everything I was familiar with...gone.

After Trey passed everything was instant, and super rushed. It had to be.

I remember just standing in the office dumbfounded. Just in a totally different world. I couldn’t handle anything. I was just in my head. The entire time.

I never really spent time in my old office...we had moved Trey, and his assistant in there. I mostly stood around in my original office-which had been turned into a storage room. I don’t know why...I guess it was out of the way. I just stood there - remembering everything.

Every-time the door opened I could hear ‘who’s hungry?’ ‘Where we eatin?’ ‘Where’s dad? I’m hungry’. Trey carrying his folders, and his day planner that went everywhere.

It didn’t matter what was up. Trey was ready for lunch.

Just being there was hard. Packing it all up. Impossible. It was like packing up everything I had known for so long. It was so hard. I didn’t pack a thing. I was not well.

I was lost and alone. A feeling I had never had before. People were acting like normal. Like no big deal...just packing up this office. I wanted to scream. I felt like I was in hell. This weird place where I’m falling apart internally and everyone else it seems is totally fine. I couldn’t handle it. I needed to see other people affected. I needed to see everyone else at the lost state I was in. I needed to see pain, sorrow, something.

I got to the point I couldn’t handle it anymore. Everyone was acting too normal. I needed emotion. I think that’s the worst thing about covid...it stole so much from me, from the strocks, from missy, from everyone. Covid took everything away. And I was mad. I needed emotion. I knew April was hiding it...and so I set out to get the emotion I needed. I nudged, and nudged, and nudged. To the point April lost it, and came after me. She almost hit me. For real...in the conference room. I just remember sitting in her office with her after the explosion and crying. It was the first time anyone had really shown any emotion around me.

Everyone was being so protective of my feelings...and trying to act normal. It was such a confusing messed up time. I didn’t know how to feel, or what to do.

I just wanted to hit the pause button.

I just want to make that call so bad.

I need that connection.

I need that reassurance. I need something.

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