640

That’s how many days since my life totally and fundamentally changed. In EVERY way.

I’m a Sheppard…I like to have things under control, and managed. I’m In charge. Or was…

640 days ago I lost all of that. TOTALLY. I lost the ability to even breathe on my own. Lost everything. Yes, I overcame all that. But, just knowing how instantly, and easily that can be done scares the holy crap out of me still.

EVERY little ache in my head makes me rethink what I am doing. Sometimes it can cement me to the couch. Afraid to move. That fear of knowing everything that I went through can easily repeat itself is…paralyzing. I do not ever want to experience that over again. Being trapped in my head, and not being able to communicate at all is terrifying.

It was all terrifying. But, I slowly came back from all of that.

Although, recovery is not 100%. I don’t know that it ever will be, and that alone is enough to make me stop, and think. I am so so so thankful, and grateful for all the progress I have made, don’t get me wrong.

But, life has unequivocally changed. 100%. And the mess is that it’s changed 100% in so many ways, I don’t even know where to start. The stroke? Losing Trey? Losing everything that I have known, and worked for? Losing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING?

It’s such a mess I often wonder if I settle in and focus on one or two things to try to escape the whole. I always find myself plopped in the middle of the stroke, and losing Trey. Two of the hardest things ever. But, I forget, or don’t really look at the other side of things. And so then when I do, it’s almost crippling.

Realizing how much life has changed, and how totally dependent I am now for everything. Its scary.

I grew up ALWAYS on the move. ALWAYS doing things. My mother is STILL non stop. We aren’t slow, sit around people. The one word you COULD NOT say at all was ‘bored’. Grandma Roberts would find you something REAL quick.

4-H, fair, county council, riflery, school, music…non stop.

I’ve always been a mover. Even with Trey, we were total homebodies…but still always doing something. ALWAYS working. Nonstop.

January 13, 2020 - it all stops.

March 18, 2020 - everything that I know, everything that I love, everything that I have worked for, and towards, is taken away. Instantly.

I remember in the days before…I was in total denial, I didn’t want to accept anything. Lawyers would come over, and I didn’t want to be there, I wanted no part of anything. It could not be happening. I could fix this, don’t talk to me about it. I was not hearing it.

I remember one day someone telling me I could pick out a car to have…and I lost it.

100% lost it.

I just remember screaming IM GOING TO BE ALONE! IM GOING TO BE ALONE! I don’t want a $&@)!?$ CAR.

It was at that point I really accepted what was happening.