That’s how many days since my life totally and fundamentally changed. In EVERY way.
I’m a Sheppard…I like to have things under control, and managed. I’m In charge. Or was…
640 days ago I lost all of that. TOTALLY. I lost the ability to even breathe on my own. Lost everything. Yes, I overcame all that. But, just knowing how instantly, and easily that can be done scares the holy crap out of me still.
EVERY little ache in my head makes me rethink what I am doing. Sometimes it can cement me to the couch. Afraid to move. That fear of knowing everything that I went through can easily repeat itself is…paralyzing. I do not ever want to experience that over again. Being trapped in my head, and not being able to communicate at all is terrifying.
It was all terrifying. But, I slowly came back from all of that.
Although, recovery is not 100%. I don’t know that it ever will be, and that alone is enough to make me stop, and think. I am so so so thankful, and grateful for all the progress I have made, don’t get me wrong.
But, life has unequivocally changed. 100%. And the mess is that it’s changed 100% in so many ways, I don’t even know where to start. The stroke? Losing Trey? Losing everything that I have known, and worked for? Losing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING?
It’s such a mess I often wonder if I settle in and focus on one or two things to try to escape the whole. I always find myself plopped in the middle of the stroke, and losing Trey. Two of the hardest things ever. But, I forget, or don’t really look at the other side of things. And so then when I do, it’s almost crippling.
Realizing how much life has changed, and how totally dependent I am now for everything. Its scary.
I grew up ALWAYS on the move. ALWAYS doing things. My mother is STILL non stop. We aren’t slow, sit around people. The one word you COULD NOT say at all was ‘bored’. Grandma Roberts would find you something REAL quick.
4-H, fair, county council, riflery, school, music…non stop.
I’ve always been a mover. Even with Trey, we were total homebodies…but still always doing something. ALWAYS working. Nonstop.
January 13, 2020 - it all stops.
March 18, 2020 - everything that I know, everything that I love, everything that I have worked for, and towards, is taken away. Instantly.
I remember in the days before…I was in total denial, I didn’t want to accept anything. Lawyers would come over, and I didn’t want to be there, I wanted no part of anything. It could not be happening. I could fix this, don’t talk to me about it. I was not hearing it.
I remember one day someone telling me I could pick out a car to have…and I lost it.
100% lost it.
I just remember screaming IM GOING TO BE ALONE! IM GOING TO BE ALONE! I don’t want a $&@)!?$ CAR.
It was at that point I really accepted what was happening.
I know that afternoon I went and sat with Trey for quite awhile. He had heard…and said well. I’m glad to know you haven’t changed. Thats when he told me I wouldn’t be alone, he had talked to Benton. And he knew I would be taken care of, and about the house and everything.
I’m pretty sure I told him I don’t want any of that.
The day before my birthday Hospice told me that I will need to say goodbye. And, that I will know when it’s time. I remember thinking this lady has lost her ever loving mind.
On that Tuesday I knew. T&B were supposed to have a meeting with someone that day. I just remember wanting them over here. I don’t know if I called, or if they just came. Brenda had some time with Trey.
I just sat in there that night. And knew those would be my last moments.
How quickly everything happened still makes me lose my breath. We had to move out of the office by like the first week in april. It was a mad dash. I just remember thinking my entire life just imploded…and here we are boxing up everything I had known professionally. It was incredibly hard. I mean I didn’t pack a single thing. I walked around just in awe of everything disappearing.
It felt like everything had to be packed up and put away…before I could even really process what in the hell was happening. I just remember sitting in Treys chair. Almost refusing to let anyone pack anything up. I was still in a walker, but refusing to use it.
And now all of Strock sits in storage…and I’m honestly scared to go there now because I know that’s going to be a massive flood of emotions.
and now…. I sit at home. Basically locked here. I have a tricycle…but I can’t ride alone - what if I tip over, get tired, fall… I have walked so much I feel like the crazy old bored man that walks. I can’t really go anywhere. I’m stuck here.
Get up…drink a shake, work outside, eat a bar, weed a flower bed, drink a shake for lunch, walk - have a nap, eat a bar, vacuum or write. Drink a shake. Watch TV, drink a shake. Bed. Rinse, and repeat.
Now I do go to the gym twice a week on Bentons lunch break…but that’s really it. Life has slowed WAY down. And honestly if it weren’t for my vision right now I would be pretty damn normal. The vision though throws everything WAY off. I sit here and say dream about just riding around the neighborhood…really going nowhere, just free, and out of the house. Going up to the corner market to get a nectarine, ANYTHING. Anyone know a good golf cart that I can ride around in? They go slow enough I can manage the residential streets, and putter around. I hate golf carts…but I need SOMETHING. I need some sort of freedom, and Independence. I need something. This is really really starting to wear on me. Bad.
And I know Grandma Roberts would hate this…but damn…I am BORED.