A year later...thoughts

I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know how I was thinking.

Everything last year happened so fast...I know I say that over and over again, but there’s no way to really describe it.

I don’t know how this is possible. But, this year seems a lot harder than last. Last year everything was one massive distraction...anything to not slow down and deal with what was happening. ANYTHING to escape reality. Reading my thoughts from a year ago Hurts...

It was as if I was doing and saying anything I could to make myself OK. Anything to get out of the house. Anything to get my mind off of everything.

And I mean anything...I watched Tiger King.

It’s amazing how societal pressures change everything. I don’t think anyone really expects anything of anyone... especially in that situation...but, I remember constantly thinking - I have got to be alright, hold it together Thomas, you’ve got to seem like it’s alright, hold it together. Maybe it’s not even social pressure - maybe it was just me. I don’t know.

I think I spent a lot of time in denial. A lot. We brought Trey home yesterday a year ago. That was a very very real moment. Stuhr called and offered to keep everything until the abbey reopened - I was down there within 5 minutes of her calling. My worst fear was Trey being forgotten in a storage room. I just remember them carrying everything down the stairs. I didn’t want anyone else to touch him. From that point on Trey went everywhere with me. For real - grocery store, car rides, New Mexico, everywhere.

Anything to get my ‘normal’ back. Even though I never would.

I would, and still do, be sitting there totally fine - everything was OK - and then the very next second ... nothing was okay.

I remember I always ALWAYS wanted to go see the strocks. Probably everytime there’s a knock on their door - they’re inside like ‘DONT MOVE-DONT BREATH-BE QUIET-HE’ll GO AWAY’ ... the Strocks are really the only people we ever saw. Otherwise we were locked up, or driving around alone. It was such a weird weird time.

Everything with everything has been weird.

But, I never expected this year to be harder than the last. I guess now this year I’m able to slow down more, and feel? Last year was was constant go go go. And this year is finally really accepting everything?

Seems like I’m doing things wrong. Seems like I do everything wrong.

I need so many self help books that I need a self help guide to self help for the helpless.

I need Trey. Every night now, around 2am I’m awake staring at the ceiling.

Wide awake.

‘it’ll be alright Thomas, it’ll be alright.

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