Adjusting

If this past year had been anything it’s been a year of adjustments...For everyone.

I do t know to consider myself lucky, or not. I knew nothing about coronavirus. Nothing. I heard Trey talking about China...but honestly not much. I had other things on my mind. I know at roper he was very anxious to get me out of the hospital, but I thought he just wanted me home.

So my adjustments were quite a bit different than normal.

Biggest adjustment was/is being totally dependent on someone else. That’s probably the hardest adjustment. I have always been very independent, so that’s been the worst. I try to help where I can when I can....but I honestly get so tired and worn out.

Having to relearn everything, literally everything, including breathing is a lot harder than you think it would be. I remember just closing my fist was such a major thing. My brain litterally having to think if every step was, and still is a lot. Even know typing this on my phone I notice that my brain has to think about every movement and at the same time recall how to spell each word. That may be why it takes me hours to write one of these out.

I remember standing up for the first time in the parallel bars. It was so hard, but it felt so good just to be like yeah I did that. Standing was a big deal. The brain games hand/eye coordination were frustrating, but over time I got used to them.

No being able to eat or drink anything for a while was very difficult. And then I was put on a nectar thick drive king diet, and puréed foods diet. I did NOT care, I was starving-and it was good. It wasn’t water...but nectar thick water was better than nothing.

Brushing my teeth has been an adjustment. I used to always stand to brush my teeth. Now I rest on The countertop...it takes me about 30 minutes to shower now, and about an extra 30 just to get dressed. All in all I spend about 2 hours in the bathroom. I used to make fun of Trey getting ready and now it takes me twice as long.

All I watch on tv are old shows that I know what’s going on, and have most of them memorized. Watching a new show is hard. Almost impossible. I can not see or read the screen so I’m constantly what’s this what that? Hold on. What did they say? I’m not pleasant to be around...it’s the same thing over and over and over again.

Not being able to get out on my own has held me back a lot. It’s a weird feeling, feeling locked fo the couch. I had to beg a chair for the kitchen, it takes me about an hour nowdays. And I honestly get so tired after the most basic of things.

The biggest adjustment has been not having that feeling of contributing anything. That’s an adjustment. I’ve always paid my share. Always. I’d always built up my savings, always been O.K. So to have my entire life savings taken away in just a few weeks of medical bills was quite the experience. Not only that, but to then have to shut down the company we poured EVERYTHING into...that just takes a lot out of you.

2020 was the year of nothing was too much. I had 13 strokes months of recovery... not enough. Trey went into the hospital...not enough. Trey passed away...Still not enough. Had to close down the business(still not done)...not enough. In September my Grandfather suddenly passed away...not enough. Beauregard was not feeling well in Octoberish...not enough. Had major surgery in early December-10 hours turned into 14 and I had to be ventilated again...not enough. Beauregard passed away on New Year’s Day.

Losing absolutely everything like that was...well a LOT. And then add on TOP of all that this corona/covid thing.

It’s all a lot to think about, a lot to process. I don’t even think I’ve been able to process it all. I know I haven’t. It’s been one thing after the other after the other...and another

I honestly don’t think I’ve been able to process any of it. People see me know and say how proud they are of me and what not...I just think ‘for what?’ I could do this before. Some days I have to remember that I couldn’t do anything... I have to remember it’s a miracle I’m not ‘locked out’.

I close my eyes a lot. And just listen. I forget that anything’s happened to me. I forget it all. I just am. Breathing, alive, and processing what’s going on around me. It’s not until I open my eyes that everything comes rushing back to me. I open my eyes and there is no escaping it. I type this on my phone, because it’s a small enough screen that they don’t overlap, and I can see the words all separately...still it takes me awhile. But, I’ve adjusted. Looking at a computer screen is like looking at a jumbled mess of nonsense.

But, with my eyes closed and just being...it takes me back. It’s the opening my eyes part when reality hits me.


And now when reality hits it really hits. How I’ll ever get past that, I do not know.

I don’t know if I’ll ever adjust to that fully. It’s hard now to feel excited, to feel like there is anything to look forward to. Everything is just so hard.

Benton has been around helping since the day we found out about Treys cancer. He has always said we were like family to him, something I never understood. But, he was there for it all. Days when I just needed a break he would sit and watch Treys ridiculous YouTube shows. I always liked my Sundays at home. Benton would take Trey ‘shopping’ to Best Buy, and his Sunday shopping wants.

While I was in the hospital benton lived there for a month so that I wasn’t alone, and so that Trey knew I was alright.

Life is one big non ending adjustment.


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