All of these thoughts...

It’s been 447 days.

That to me is unreal. It’s hard to even understand that this is my reality. It’s hard to believe that I haven’t seen or heard Trey in almost a year and a half.

I know it may not be super long, and some people think - oh get over it...but when I met Trey my life was a mess. My self esteem has always been the lowest of lows. I’ve never felt like I was good enough, or just enough. I’ve never felt wanted. I’ve always had abandonment issues. I’ve never been super comfortable with myself. In any way, any how.

Most all of that comes from my childhood. My sister and I are the products of divorce...

(...that doesn’t mean I think families should stay together, and stick it out...I just think people should be happy .... for their Children’s sake... sometimes that means MOVE ON. Sometimes that means don’t have children)

I don’t even really remember my parents together. I remember living in a trailer near the airport, my sister kicked me in the face. I think my bedroom was at the front of the trailer. I remember Jean, and carving pumpkins...I remember neighbors down the street that had a baby. I remember going to the swimming pool, and the high dives. Moving to vanderwagon, horses, making mud pies with the kids down the street, and the lady that blew out eggs for some reason. It was a fun place.

One thing I don’t remember at all was a father. I don’t really remember him around much. The only thing I do remember 100% clearly is standing at the door screaming for him to come back. I was holding my stuffed cat pillow. And he peeled out of the driveway and down the road.

Good Riddance...I think my life would have gone a lot smoother if that was my last interaction and memory of him. Because after that it never really got better. At all

Moms family came down the next day it felt like. I remember Aunt Bevs big ass gold station Wagon, and practically the rest of the Roberts family there moving us out. Picture some big dramatic heart lifting scene in a hallmark movie with a new dawn on the horizon...

I have no idea what all happened. I do know that Tim was caught philandering with a flight nurse in the hangers at the airport...I know it wasn’t the first time because literally the day after my parents divorce was final he married the tramp. Didn’t tell the kids. Literally the next time we saw Tim he was married. And she wanted to be ‘our friend’ ...whatever.

I know my sister was like 5 and looked at her and said....‘you’re not my friend, you’re a bitch’ which...she was.

I have no idea how long they stayed married. Don’t care. I know he cheated on her as well...they were just the stellar parental couple. Popped pills together, popped pills with friends. She would steal pills from the place she worked. Even got my dad to work there. They thought they were invincible. I think she got fired from multiple places for the nonsense...

MEANWHILE... he accused my mom and my grandma of child abuse. Let that sink in.

Grandma Roberts...child abuse. Insanity.

We had to fly to Albuquerque to be psychoanalyzed, and questioned about being abused.

Ummm no... but this guy and his ‘wife’ are Getting High, Cheating, not giving two craps about his kids, or feeding them anything except route 44 dr peppers and super bubble gum. Is that abuse?

Having chores, responsibilities, rules, and getting in trouble...that was abuse in his eyes. Mom never kept a ‘clean home’. I’m sorry but then why was I constantly cleaning and dusting the living room? Why was Alicia always in charge of cleaning the bathrooms? We weren’t allowed to do anything on the weekends until our chores were done. Sorry we didn’t live in the Taj Mahal, but it was home.

Tim & the Tramp drove a 3000GT. So ‘fancy’ But did they earn it? No. He has no room at all to talk abuse. While they drove that car(with us stuffed in the back)...my sister and I were fed frozen TV dinners. That’s it. Woo HOO. we were just always in a mad rush to go to ‘dads’...not. We were never allowed to see our cousins, or our grandparents. The tramp did not like them...’they thought they were better than everyone else, and always complained that we smelled like cigarette smoke’.

(maybe because y’all never rolled the window down, and chain smoked like no one else)

We hated going to Gallup on the weekends, or summers(the worst) we had to run up the street to the school to get a free lunch because there was never anything at home to eat. We always got stuck at Zoe, the babysitters. Tim was just never really around. Always busy, somewhere else. We did get to go to the movies a lot. I’m pretty sure my sister and I are probably the only kids whose parents took them to see a rated X or NC-17 movie...TWICE.

anyhow...not the best father figure. Left a lot to be desired. And left a lot of trust issues. I never really dealt with those, or acknowledged them...until I met Trey.

Trey helped me to deal with so much of that.

I was always ready to leave in the beginning of Trey and I dating... Determined to leave before I got hurt, always. Trey never understood me, or my obsession with not wanting to be hurt until the week he met Tim.

I remember the night they met... his eyes were about as big as they could get 👀 and he was like WOW! I totally 100% get you now.

Tim is just a self absorbed complete ass monkey. There is really no other way to say it. My sister calls him the ‘sperm donor’ which is realistically all he is. In the past 25 years I’ve talked to him maybe 5 times. Texted him maybe 5 times. And that’s really it (and trust me that’s being very liberal...I talked to him when the tramp overdosed, a few weeks later when he called in the middle of the day and said he was getting married...once in person in Charleston(not pleasant), and that’s it. Maybe 3 texts.

With Trey gone all of that is just festering in me.

I’m letting it all go now because I am so ready to forget all about it and move on. I’m tired of dealing with it, I’m tired of feeling sad for myself because of it. And I just refuse to live like this anymore.

Last week someone said something very innocently about it...and I lost my mind. Took it all out on people that have nothing to do with it, have no part in any of it...and I just realized that man is making me psycho. He hasn’t really been a part of my life for at least 25 years...so why am I worried about it now??

Big News...I’m not.

This is the last time I’ll really put any thought into that whole section of my life. It’s just not worth it. Im not lacking anything in life...I don’t have some need to fulfill...in that aspect. I’m just tired of thinking about a man that really has no time for anyone other than himself.

I’m tired of hanging on to the past. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to look forward to bigger and brighter things. I’m ready to grow, figure life out, take Trey and everything he taught me into the future. I’m ready to be happy, and I’m ready to share that.

Things for me are not exactly as I saw them 2 or 3 years ago. Nowhere near. But then life isn’t what I ever thought it would be...and I’m on the east coast. And there’s no place I’d rather be. This is home. This home is home. Again nothing like I thought it would be...But here I am.

Things are changing, but staying the same... if you told me 2 years ago that I’d be sitting here spilling my guts, sobbing over the fact that this Friday I start facial reanimation therapy and not Trey, but his parents are taking me. I would ask what you’re smoking.

I miss Trey so much. And he’s missing out on so much and it makes me so mad. The anger is all consuming - the more I try to focus on the positive things the more angry i get that he’s not here to be a part of them.

Nothing makes sense, and everything makes sense.

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