Anyone that knows me...knows Harper & Margot. Being on the east coast 1400 miles away from family - they’re all I really have.
Trey and I rushed to town when Harper was knocking at the door. Margot came early...and we were down ASAP. I was attached to Harper for quite some time. My name became Thomash(Trey called me Thomash all the way to the end), I’d have to stay away so Trey could get some Harper time...and then came along Margot. I was told to stay away...she was Treys.
Life got in the way over the past few years... and I feel so disconnected. So, seeing the Gordons last weekend, and this one just feels amazing. Coming from New Mexico I could see them every weekend, and be fine with that.
Seeing Harper and Margot grow, and progress-from day one through all kinds of trials and tribulations has just been an experience. Seeing them this weekend made me wish for the first time that I had had that experience.
It’s really hard seeing the girls without Trey. Really hard. Last week I basically cried the entire time at the horse barn seeing Harper, and talking to Missy...this time I was able to control it, and maintain my emotions to myself. It’s hard, but necessary...just like it took awhile seeing T&B. Being around Tommy and Brenda at the beginning was just about impossible. They could say, or do anything that reminded me of Trey, and I would lose it. Like...can’t breathe emotional mess. Over tome that’s gotten easier to where now I just want to stop by - for no reason. It’s extremely comforting. Tommy has long been the father I never had. Brenda is the conservative Trey...anytime Trey had one of his wild ‘ideas’ I would always ask ‘what does your mom think of this?’...I always erred on the side of Brenda. Something he sometimes didn’t like. Trey was a dreamer...sometimes those dreams came out of left field. (3 story office building, with a warehouse...let’s put a pin in that....) So, anytime I need advice or anything I go to Brenda. But being around the strocks for the past year has made it better. There’s nothing I like more than the walk to the car and hearing ‘Love you boys...come back when you have more time’
Seeing missy is still really raw/new. She knew a part of Trey no one else really knew, there are so many thoughts/memories with her that come to the surface seeing her that it just makes it hard.
I’m always thinking about how none of this should have happened...things aren’t supposed to be this way. None of this is right. But, especially around missy and the girls I wonder... did someone make a mistake. I was SO close to death, multiple times...should I have gone, and Trey still be here?
Not that I want to go anywhere...but that thought does burn in my mind spending time with the girls. I really wish Trey was there...for the girls.
Seeing Harper TOTALLY transformed is amazing. Watching Margot grow and develop her fierce individuality is the same. It just hurts that they will never really get to know their Uncle Trey, and how much he loved, and adored them. I know I’m going to get a lot of comments about letting them know...but that’s just not the same.
Everything about this just sucks. And sometimes I just wanna be alone, and cry.
Life is a mess...and a mystery. Sometimes I wonder if we are ever supposed to figure out that mystery, or are we meant to savor, and enjoy every fleeting minute?
As someone said last weekend...‘some people are just assholes, and that’s okay’
Live everyday for you, nobody else but you, and be happy.