Benton…again…

January 15th while I was in the hospital emergency room Trey found out that his cancer had ‘turned on’ and the last set of chemo was not going to be the best. He did not tell anyone.

I have memories of the emergency room. I remember seeing Trey and His mom talking. I remember some tense discussions. I remember Brenda saying ‘I don’t know, I just don’t know.’ I remember people talking about when my mother would be there. And then….I don’t remember.

At one point I remember Trey and Benton talking. Neither one would pay any attention to me. Trey was crying. I hated to see him cry I always have. I could not make sense of what they were talking about. I thought Trey was mad. I thought benton had done something wrong, I didn’t understand why Trey was telling him to leave if he was going to leave. To just go ahead and go. I wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong with me, but I knew it wasn’t Benton’s fault. I was trying to tell Trey that benton didn’t do it because benton was the last thing I saw before it went black.

No one would pay attention to me at all. And I don’t even know if I could see them or just hear them. I was a mess. It was a lot of stress not being acknowledged at all. I was in a fell panic. I felt like I had Guillain-barre syndrome and I thought that was odd I did a report on this In high school. I couldn’t move anything I couldn’t even control my eyes.

Somehow I just listened. And saw what I could. Trey was telling benton if he was going to leave he needed to go ahead and go now. Before Thomas wakes up. That I was going to need a LOT of help. And Trey needed to know what his plans were. Because if he was going to leave he had better do it right then. Trey was not nice about it. He was not really mean. But I could tell he was serious.

I remember Trey telling him that he was my best friend, and that Trey could not thank him enough for all the help through cancer. It was a really emotional moment. Benton promised him he was not going anywhere. He told him that we had helped him out when his life was in the gutter, and he had stayed around to help take care of Trey, and that we were basically his family. I remember him telling Trey that he was not going anywhere, and that he would do anything either of us needed. I remember benton assuring Trey that no matter what we would get through it.

I trembler now they held hands above my bed. Like over me…and I was thinking what the mess is going on? And right then is when Trey talked to me. He got right in my face and said Thomas are you awake? It was super bright and super loud. I remember Trey saying over and Over ‘can you see me? Thomas can you see me?’

It was mad commotion for awhile. All I remember was Trey was happy, everyone was relieved. And all I wanted was to hold everyone’s hand.

That’s really hard to think about. Because of how everything has turned out.

It’s hard to think about because the day I woke up is also the day Trey found out about his cancer. I feel like he was trying to make sure I was going to be taken care of. I hate HATE the fact that Treys last months were like they were. The amount of guilt that I carry around because of that is incredible, and I don’t think it will ever go away. I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I just hate that I let Trey down so hard at the end. I feel like a miserable failure.

And the whole time Trey was just trying to do everything he could to make sure I was going to be okay. That’s all he wanted. For me to focus on getting better.

Anytime I asked about his stuff he shut me down and said he was just fine. Focus on you.

That’s all he ever said…focus on you.

He wanted benton on all my medical records. He wanted benton listed as my proxy. As soon as I was awake and capable of all of that he wanted it done. When we brought Trey home from the hospital he told benton snd I to get married or at least give him legal medical access. He was very adamant about that. He did not want me to be waiting on my mother to get here. He wanted to be sure that I had that covered before I had any surgeries or anything.

He asked benton again if he would take care of me and make sure I get better.

Literally one of the last things Trey said to me was ‘Bentons going to take care if you. BE NICE TO BENTON’

I’m not very nice to benton yet. But, I think Trey would be amazed at what he had become and does for me.

I know I always talk about benton And everything he does. But, honestly he’s a miracle. I do not know where I would be or what state I’d be in without him.

Everytime I’m upset he’s right there … takes me to the abbey anytime I want to go. He basically knows what I need. Or what he can do to help my emotions.

Today, well this week really has been a hard hard week. Really hard. I had to hire new lawyers and some other stuff.

I freak out about money. I always have. If I have to spend money I just start to panic. Especially now being on a fixed income. I panic. So having to hire attorneys throws me off. Big time.

I told benton earlier today snd the first thing he Says is ‘well as soon as I get off I’ll start ubering’

He just knows that I’m in panic freak out mode. So he will go out and make back the money I have to spend over the weekend.

I feel bad that he does that. But that’s just who he is. He doesn’t want me to stress at all. So he will literally work for as long as he can, and get that money made up.

It sucks. Because I hate having to sit at home all alone all day and all night.

But who else would do that?

Benton. And I know in his mind he promised Trey he would take care of me…and that’s what he’s doing.

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