Betty White —> Hippy Dippy

Somehow I knew.

This morning, I read an article about how in 18 days she would be 100. Why start ‘celebrating’ now? Why can’t we just be, and be fine with that? Why can’t we just appreciate the now, and not yearn for the new, the next, the unknown?

Has this entire pandemic taught us nothing? Treasure the now, treasure what we have, and respect it. Don’t stress everything the hell out for no reason at all. Just appreciate the now. All that we had learned, and had become grateful for during Covid is long gone. We are back to being so obsessed with new, now, next that every lesson learned over the past two years are rather forgotten, or totally nonexistent.

It’s sad. Really sad.

When I was waking up from a massive pons hemorrhage there were two things I asked Trey & Benton. Before I talked to the doctors (because I knew they’d ask me who the President is)

  1. Is Trump still President.

  2. Is Betty White still alive?

Trump was still in office, but now, Trumps out of office… “everything is going to be better as soon as he’s gone.”

we are (almost a year later in basically the same situation).

Just no more Trump. And, well, things seem about the same.

And now almost two years later, Betty White is gone.

It’s honestly no surprise - she had a full, and oddly memorable, meaningful life.

This is not a tribute to Mrs. White, just forced me into a lot of emotions today as soon as I got the text…

My mind went racing, more like a pin ball machine. That ball was ejected, and started singing all over the place never slowing down. It shot me directly back into the hospital. All of those memories. All of my hospital memories are laced with golden girls. Me, and my sister watching them. Me, and Tommy watching them. I watched a lot of Golden Girls. Still to this day I watch, rather listen to many shows a day. On repeat, over and over.

They’ve kept me sane over the past two years. Benton asked if I wanted to watch Golden Girls this afternoon. And I can’t. It’s not that I’m sad. It’s more that I realized I can’t be dependent on it anymore. I have got to snap out of it, and figure my life out. I’m not happy sitting around here waiting. I don’t know how I’m going to change any of my situation, but it’s time.

Time for what, I do not know. But, it’s time.

The past two years have not been the best. At all.

  • I lost Myself 1/13/20

  • I lost Trey 3/18/20

  • I lost my Grandad 9/29/20

  • I lost Beauregard 1/1/21

  • I lost Bess 6/5/21

And now again 6 months later another hit, though not direct. It just feels like way too much. Beauregard, and Bess really just pushed me over the edge. It was like since I lived, everything in my life had to be taken away. Its all too much. My self confidence has never been a tall standing pillar, but now it’s basically nothing. I have moments of confidence, later knocked down in the crumbling rubble that is my life.

I used to feel like I could tackle anything. Now, I feel like I can’t handle anything. Everything scares me, and I don’t understand. Today we went to the grocery store. Benton went to get a sandwich, so I figured I’d go get groceries while he waited.

I forget how bad my vision really is. We were at a grocery store I’d never been to, nothing was where it should be. I had barely gotten vegetables by the time he was done. And I couldn’t even find the right salad. I was totally turned around. And let me tell you, people are so impatient. Especially if I’m not holding my cane.

Do you know what it feels like to just be in the way? Some old haggard lady either in need of a facelift, or had had too many fane lifts, wearing her white lady issued yoga pants would push her buggy right up to me looking at vegetables and just be like EXCUSE me. All I said was oh sorry both times…but I wanted to say ‘McSCUSE ME BITCH, GO AROUND’ there was plenty of room… but Mt Pleasant women are a special breed of stupid, entitled, elitists. So, I let it go.

But things like that just really really crush a person. I was excited to be doing something so basic on my own, and she just ruins it.