The last 15 months have been pure hell. Not gonna sugar coat it. It’s been
H. E. L. L. on ice...much like Disney on Ice. Same concept. Except, not a pretty mess on ice...a sad little mess on ice for all the world to see.
Act 1 was a one man show. The complete downfall and hitting rock bottom of me myself and I. Yes, I was never alone, many people all around at all times...but I still have never felt so alone. Remembering everything in the hospitals...I don’t even know what movies I’ve been watching...or what they had me smoking in the ICU. My memories and thoughts during that time are just not natural. I know I was hallucinating...but still, it scares the crap out of me to this day.
The night before last I woke up in bed SCREAMING at the wall. In the hospital I would always see things in the corners...in the darkness. I would point and tell benton or whoever was there that there was something. Having double vision is not the great fun everyone thinks it is. Especially at night. You wake up in the dark. And forget you have double vision. Because, it’s just black. Your eyes start to adjust. And the cluster cuss your brain goes through is one holy terror of a mess.
It’s not like I see two of everything, and they always stay the same distance apart and everything is perfect. No...that would be too easy. Each eye moves about 3 degrees. That’s it. And they don’t move in the same direction. It actually feels more comfortable for my eyes to be crossed than anything. So they both move about 3 degrees toward my nose. My peripheral vision is ZERO. To see anything on either side of me I have to turn my entire body.
Not being able to see completely or well, is really hard. It’s really hard on my brain. A lot of times I can’t even make sense of what’s going on. This morning at the duck ping some lady was trying to show us the baby turtles...I just stood there. I can’t see a big damn turtle how am I going to see babies?
It’s little things like that that really make me feel so alone. Little mundane things. I haven’t left the house in about 3 weeks, except to ride up to the abbey. I just don’t enjoy leaving the house anymore. Getting in a car really sucks. I have to stare at the floorboard, or my phone. I can’t really look outside at all because it always look like we are about to crash. Waking is no picnic either. I have to stare at the ground right in front of me for the most part. Looking of into the distance makes me dizzy and disoriented.
I don’t even think Act 1 was even complete, and it was on to Act 2 with a very brief intermission.
I can’t even go into all of that. My stroke...no big deal. I mean it was a bug deal. But, compared to what was coming....childs play. I would do it over and over and over again just to keep putting off the rest of the year.
And now...still recovering from the frappe of 2020...I’m still sitting here wondering how the holy Mary mother of mercy did I make it through any of that?
I haven’t really left the house, or the area in three weeks, almost a month. Things start to get a little lonely. Not just in no ones around...but in no one really understands what I’m going through/been through. It’s a weird weird thing. I sound like a whiny brat. But for real...who really understands strokes? And all aspects of that? Who really understands losing your entire life almost in an instant? I know a few...and it’s horrible, like I said I would take another stroke ANYDAY to avoid that. Now out those together and who the heck understands having a stroke, waking up from that...to only realize your life’s about to really hit the fan?
It’s a lot to handle. A lot to process, a lot to everything.
I try to deal with things as they come. Emotional hot mess express right here. But somedays they all come at once. And that’s really a whole lot to much.
I basically just want to shut down...I kinda do...and just sleep. The entire day away...because the second I open my eyes the world starts shifting again everywhere I look.