It was 4am. Scheduled time for meds.
I knew as soon as the alarm went off.
....Everything was different.
Walking down the hall I was already in a panic. Benton went to the medicine drawer in the kitchen. I remember saying, or thinking that we didn’t need the medicine.
And then I saw Beauregard. I had to sit down.
All I said was call Tommy, not Brenda.
I didn’t know what to do...I did nothing. I just sat there with Trey.
Alone in silence. I have never had every emotion all at once like that. Ever. All of the good memories, everything, all of the fear, anger...all mixed together. Everything just started coming out. Cancer is a weird horrible thing. It’s scary...but throughout it I felt like we were beating the odds. Even though it was stage 4 from the beginning I never once focused on that. I spent every second I could focused ahead. Everytime a treatment didn’t work I was like alright NEXT. I wouldn’t let anything phase me. This was Trey. He could do anything. I feel like with Treys diagnosis we were given time to prepare-to get ready...but I refused to prepare, I refused to even consider any of that. I was told 5/10 years. Not two. I wanted 8 more years. Or three more. This wasn’t right.
I was so mad at myself. I was so mad at everything. Why had I had to be away and unable to help for so long? Why would this ever happen? How unfair. Nothing made any sense. Why? How?
This was just too much. I still had to show Trey how I could do it...how I would overcome all of this. I needed him to see me. For the two weeks I had been out of the hospital I loved telling him about therapy, and what I could do that was new. Everyday when I came home I’d wake him up to tell him everything I had done. And every-time he was so proud.
No one had ever pushed me so hard in life. No one had ever taught me so much. No one had ever cared so deeply.
Now...I was alone. All of that was gone. In an instant. Everything had changed.
The night before I had told Trey I was going to be okay, everything was going to be okay. I wanted to take all of that back. I was not okay...nothing was okay. Why on earth had I said that.
Maybe he thought I didn’t need him anymore. That’s not what I meant...I didn’t mean any of that.
Come back here now.
I just sat in there with Beauregard and Trey until Hospice showed up and asked me to leave the room. I didn’t want to go. Beauregard would not move. He stayed. I remember just sitting on the couch, unable to do anything.
The nurse was in there until Stuhr pulled up. I remember them arriving because he confirmed it was Stuhr, and the nurse asked me to come with her to the kitchen. Pretty sure to keep me distracted. She wanted to go through all of Treys medicines. Counted all of them, and threw the empty bottles away...all the pills went into one bag. I was getting her way more medicines than she was expecting...Trey kept everything.
And then the bedroom door opened...I froze. I did not want to see anything. I heard tip tap tip tap...Beauregard was following Trey. They didn’t want to let him out. I remember saying he was fine. And I’d get him. All I saw was Beauregard. I stared at him. Not looking anywhere else. I went to the front door snd watched him walk Trey down the sidewalk. Beauregard just sat at the end of the walkway and watched as the van drove away. I was sitting at the steps to the house, and he came back. I don’t know how long we sat there.
Our entire world was just taken away.
Beauregard was never the same...
It was only 8am. i Have no idea what I did until noon. I remember I had to take a shower. And just being alone in the bathroom. I cried, a lot. Lunch I think I ate one bite.
At the Funereal Home I have memories that are spotty.
I remember Tommy talking about how he and Brenda would massage Treys little feet when he was a baby.
I remember writing the obituary....I had to stand up and look at it close up on a big screen.
I remember thinking we should not be doing this.
I remember having to go to another room to look at urns. That was not pleasant.
I remember just walking in circles not even looking at anything.
I remember Johnny Stuhr asking if anyone would like to see Trey one last time. YES I needed to make sure he was okay.
I remember that there would be no service until a later date. Corona was in full effect.
Everything was basically paused. The world literally stopped the day Trey left. My mom had to fly out the very next day, because of fear of the flights shutting down.
Our quarantine was quite different than everyone else’s. There was really no downtime. No time to catch your breath. No time to really reflect on what happened.
Everything was kicked into high gear.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit somebody. I wanted to wake up. I wanted out.
I could not do this.