Death & More...

There is nothing easy about it. At all.

I thought life was an emotional rollercoaster I long for those days. I just want one normal day please. Just one.

It’s a lot to deal with. A whole lot.

My mind is a total mystery, some moments a totally blank void, others a jumbled mess that can’t focus, and others where I can’t focus on anything but ONE thing. It’s sucks for me to be focused on my thoughts so much, because now I can’t escape them. At all. I sit at home. All day. With my thoughts. Alone. All. Day.

It’s not fun. I try to stay busy, and until this heat kicked in to high gear I was pretty successful at it. Cutting the grass, walking with the dogs, doing things. But now that the oven is on I am basically trapped inside the house, and boy is it fun. Being trapped inside I lose all motivation, all drive, all everything. I pick up...all of that. But it’s like I am just locked in the house and that’s it. It’s sucks the life out of me being locked away alone every day all day.

Being kicked down like never before, and then losing my absolute best friend in the world all at the same time...mercy. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger? Then why can I not barely do anything?

Some days I’m okay...outside cutting grass, doing weeds. Somedays I am stuck to the couch, and can do nothing to free myself. On those days it’s hard to stop thinking, it’s hard to focus my mind on anything - it just spins, nonstop.

Benton literally works nonstop to pay bills, and make the money. That is something that is way harder than it sounds. Not being able to contribute is a massive slap to the face.

I remember when SunCom laid everyone off in the southeast office. I thought the world had ended. I worked for a minute at Coca Cola, in the back offices of Lowe’s, anything to pay my way. I remember Trey telling me to calm down, and make a plan .... nope. As soon as anyone called I was off to work. I hated both jobs. Severely. And thats when Blooming Idiots came in. I’ve never been one to sit around and eat bon bons.

So not being able to work for a year and a half has been a serious wake up call.

Life is an uncontrollable adjustment...and then navigating all of this without’s almost totally impossible.

Trey has always been my everything. The one person I could always ALWAYS lean on. The one person that always had the best advice. So not having him now is really hard...because I always needed advice. Daily.

Now I just find myself daily in my thoughts. Trying to make sense of stuff I have no clue about. Talking to Trey.

It’s so hard not hearing anything back.

It’s empty.

wheres the self help book for this???

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