Last night I was sent a slew of text messages Trey had with someone from the day I went into the hospital until the last day Trey had his phone.
It was…..quite the rollercoaster ride of emotions.
I don’t know what exactly I was expecting. I did ask for them…don’t get me wrong, it’s just one of those things I think where you think you’re ready for something, and then as you start to read them you realize you’re not.
That seems to happen a lot these days. About a month ago I had my first facial therapy appointment. T&B took me which was great…but it just reminded me that Trey never got Tonge to one of my therapy sessions. Not one. He went to one Dr Appointment with me the day after release, and that was basically to add Benton on as my medical proxy. That was all that he cared about that day. He never got to see my recovery after the hospital. Or my surgeries since. So the fact that his parents were carting me off to therapy was pretty crazy.
After I got out of the hospital, and Trey was in hospice, I don’t even know how to explain what I was thinking. My mind was not in the right place at all. I remember the day Trey told me lawyers were coming over to write the will - I threw a complete and total fit. I couldn’t believe he was doing this. I didn’t care he couldn’t give up, I don’t want anything. He wanted me to stay, but I had to get out of the house. This was not happening and I would have no part of it. At all.
I left. All I remember is feeling like I was going to be alone. I was scared. Nothing made any sense - I had just gotten out of the hospital, everything was supposed to be happy, joy, and jubilation…there was none of that. I was taken out of one nightmare and thrown into another. All I wanted was Trey, not the house, not anything. Just Trey. I remember screaming at everyone I was going to be alone. I didn’t want to be alone. Everyone kept saying ‘Thomas your not going to be alone’. But by dammit what does anyone know? More than half of my life had been with Trey. Just me and Trey. I was a mess.
Trey kept trying to assure me everything would be okay. It didn’t really work. Having the house was not really making me feel any better. Nothing was making me feel better. It was an awful time. And Trey never got to see me get better and better.
And here I was headed to therapy, with his parents. That whole thing just blew my mind. Somehow it felt right. Like I knew Trey was there. Almost talking to me about how weird was this. Laughing about it. And then I thought oh god. They’ll probably want to go to the variety store for lunch.
Which, they did. My first time back there, and first time ever without Trey. I’ve tried to avoid places that had Trey all over them. All I kept thinking was Thomas don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it. Oh god the stairs. Don’t think about it don’t think about it. Please don’t sit us in the back room(Trey always wanted the back room) oh god. We are going to the back room. How about this booth right here?(the one we ALWAYS sat at)don’t think don’t think don’t think.
And then I was fine. This is fine. Everything is fine. If Trey were here he would get the flounder and shrimp. T&B get the flounder snd shrimp. Of course.
Lunch was fine. It was good. I went home and passed out. Holy lord….that was a lot of stress.
But, it was good.
Reading Trey all the way from the day I checked in until March 14 just reminded me of so many things. When he would talk to me and tell me I could get better, it was just going to be a lot of work. Telling me to please wake up and start working. Please do something. I remember him telling me about plans for the office, which really confused me. Telling me benton snd April were running things. His parents were helping. I remember trying to tell him they’re retired…we can do it ourselves. I remember just wanting out if the hospital…just let me out and I can handle everything. Brendas retired. She don’t want to work. I remember for feeling so guilty for causing this whole mess.
One thing I don’t remember is going back on the ventilator a week later. It seems like I was awake and then sedated again snd ventilated. Just too much.
And then it was all good good good. Until Around Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is when I think I started to know something was up. Trey was acting very weird. Talking weird. Wanting Benton to go to every home care class they offered. So many things didn’t make sense. On Valentine’s I asked if he wanted to have dinner with me. It was pasta,and actually not bad….he did not. Told me to order dinner for benton and I and missy would bring him later. That night he told me and Benton we needed to go to France someday. (Okay…that was out of the blue…) later on in the last days he told me to take benton to France…we would love it.
Right around that same time he sent Jennifer a message. Out of the blue, and asked her to please pray for him. He had been very sick.
This is the part that I hate. He hid all of that from me so well. I knew he was tired, but I also knew chemo made him tired - so I just assumed that’s what it was, he was in the middle of a cycle and just worn down. Somedays he would text and say he was too tired to come in. I’d tell him just stay in bed And drink water, I was fine. Totally oblivious to everything.
As we were leaving the hospital I told myself I have got to go with him for chemo and to see dr orcutt. Somethings not right.
Nothing was right.