This…Has been a week.
Nothing in particular. Just everything in general. It’s way too hot outside so I don’t get out of the house much, and it’s amazing how quickly that affects you. My mood plummets so quick just from not being able to spend time outdoors doing anything.
In the past I could not sit at home for more than half a day. Except Sundays. Sundays were my down day…laundry, cooking, relaxing. Now, Sundays are about the only day I leave the house except for the drs office.
This week and last without Trey have been incredibly incredibly hard. Anytime I was stressed and didn’t know what to do…Trey would be there with all the answers, or at least the reassurance that everything would be fine. (I may or may not have a touch of severe anxiety) So being solely in charge of everything…it gets to be extremely frustrating and FULL of anxiety. I have been working on that with all of my therapists…but it still rears it’s ugly head.
This week it just became too much. T&B picked me up from therapy Wednesday, and ended up sitting here at the house for three hours and just talking.
To say that it was nice would be the biggest understatement of the century. I was nervous but I needed to talk, I was going crazy. Three hours later I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders just as if I had been talking to Trey. I think I spent the rest of that day crying, both missing Trey, and remembering his final to do list he gave me.
Fix this, fix that.
Your going to get money, do this and that and here snd here.
Apply for disability as soon as you can.
Get Married, or do the legal paperwork so that you’re not depending on your mom to fly across the country
Don’t stop getting better.
If you need to talk to anyone talk to my parents. They will listen and know what to do.
I have done everything that he last told me to do, and still working on it.
Our favorite stop of the week is at boca vista phase 3. Talking with T&B has been one of the best things in the last year and a half. But, it’s always small talk about what’s going on and plans. I had never just opened up and let it flood.
But, Wednesday I did. It was like an intense therapy session. I cried, laughed, cried, laughed, and cried some more.
I had taken Brenda all of Treys Bibles he kept on his nightstand(family bibles) and his first Bible that T&B had given him that I had. Brenda brought them back to me Wednesday, and I cannot describe the way that that felt. They were Family, and very important to Trey, I just felt like I needed to take them to the strocks in case they wanted them. It was not at all easy to take them, it’s not easy at all to let anything go. But, I did, and probably had plenty of tears abiut it that day. So seeing them back Wednesday was overwhelming. Now I have Treys entire collection back together. It’s really the little things.
We also talked about that time in 2020. The last weeks with Trey. Something I can rarely talk about. Speaking of bibles, Tommy told me that he had gotten to read Trey something very important to him…Psalm 23.
I froze. I could not think about it. Don’t think about it. It’s lunchtime, Brendas hungry, keep it together Thomas. Walk them out the door. Hug, Hug, bye, bye. By the time I got back to the front door from the front walk I was soaked in tears.
About 10 days before Trey passed he posted Psalm 23 on his Facebook wall. The similarities between Trey and his parents is really unbelievable. It goes way beyond psalm 23. But especially between Tommy & Trey the similarities are hard for me.
I’ve always been very jealous of Treys relationship with his father. Trey would always say it was hard, and not always the best. But, they seemed to always work through whatever, and always had this amazing love, and respect. So, for someone like me who never really had a ‘father or dad’ it was so foreign that they actually got along. Even when they disagreed(often) they still made it work. Always.
Just seeing that relationship has made me always miss the fact that I never had a dad, I’ll never have that.
But, at least I got to see and experience that love.
Losing Trey is something one will never get over. But in the past year and a half I have gotten to know him in an entirely new way, and gotten to know his parents in a way I never imagined.