Feeling all the feels, all of the time…

Emotions. SUCK.

This time of yeah is really hard. The holidays were EVERYTHING.

Starting in October, kinda around Halloween—the house started changing. I’d decorate for fall. And Trey always liked to complain about it...Every year he would say it’s too much work. It’s pointless, why decorate…no one comes over. BUT, he was also the one to buy more Pumpkins to add to the collection. Always the one to buy candy…ALWAYS the chocolate he liked.

So it was like ‘complain, complain, complain’. Turn around and ‘oh look I got these 4 pumpkins that match the other 10 you have’

There is no other time of year that Trey liked more. The last quarter of the year had it all. Halloween, Thanksgiving, a slew of birthdays, and Christmas.

Last year was the first year without him…but honestly nothing about last year was normal.

  • I know I set up something’s for Halloween. But, it was covid…nothing was right anyway.

  • Thanksgiving…that was hard. Really hard. We spent it with a Tommy & Brenda on the back patio @ Boca vista phase 3. It was hard. But, good at the same time.

  • Birthdays…I don’t remember really at all. I know I gave Tommy one of Treys favorite books, and the oyster shell belt buckle that I had bought Trey many many years ago @ Croghans. That Belt has been through so much. It was really hard to give. But, it felt so right.

  • Christmas last year was very very different. Yes, it was hard…but it was also covid, so it was totally alone…And very different.

This year … I do not know what to expect. So far everything this year has been a lot more than last year. First times seeing many people, without Trey. First times seeing people that did not know what had happened in 2020. It’s been a lot. Imagine trying to explain to a client from the way past…that I had had a series of strokes, and no longer work…only then to be asked how Trey is doing. I just stand there, and want to melt into the floor so bad. My cousin Anna & family have asked us to join them for thanksgiving break thus year...But, I'm not sure how to feel about that. Being away is hard, and nit being able to quickly escape to the abbey is daunting.

It’s all unavoidable…but it always hits me just as hard.

Things seem to be hitting a lot more directly now that the fear of covid is at bay for now. It’s just hitting a lot more, and precisely it seems.

September was a particularly hard month. This past September would have marked 25 years for Trey and I. That’s really really hard to think about. TWENTY FIVE YEARS. Over half of my life. Gone, so quickly…and suddenly.

A life we had been building, and planning, and working for for so long…ripped up, torn to shreds, and only left in my mind. Everything. Swirling around nonstop in my head, nothing making sense. Just there all the time.

Just looking back at everything it is mind boggling to me. Within a year I lost everything. EVERY PART of my life that I had known for 23/11&10 years.

First was the stroke.

2 months and 5 days later - Trey.

6 months later - Beauregard.

6 months after that - Miss Bess.

All during the fiasco of Corona Virus. All too much. All a lot to comprehend, and accept.

Last week I met with a new therapist to try to help me sort things out…because not only do I talk about them over and over, I think about them non stop again and again and again. Hopefully she will be able to help me sort things out.

The only time that I really feel like I can stop and catch my breathe is when we are at the abbey.

It’s hard to explain…but, it’s just something I need on a very regular basis. Every week, and if it’s getting close to abbey time my frustrations are insane. Once there for an hour or two, I can calm down, think rationally, and make sense of everything.

Today was a beautiful fall day, and dry, so we got to spend time there, and at the River, unrushed. It was needed because last week was a basic Hi, Bye - it’s pouring.

The new columbarium is coming along nicely. And today I could almost hear Trey.

THOMAS (rather THOMISH). Don’t you even think about it. We are here, I ain’t moving, this is it.

He knew me so well. Hmm a new high rise. Maybe we need to upgrade. I’m totally joking, would never move. We are where we are for a reason….143