Firsts…

I’m sure they will be never-ending. Those situations, where it’s the First time without Trey - or where I just feel like he should be there.

This past week has been a pretty tough week. Treys Birthday…and the 23 years worth of memories of that day. Trey always loved his birthday. He always loved it being a big deal. Like going to the mountains, his birthday cake, flying in hot air balloons. He loved his birthday. We never had big birthday parties at all, he didn’t love it that way…he just like spoiling himself. He really hated birthday gifts, so he never really got any more than a new shirt, a bottle Torii Mor, from the white rose vineyard. I’d save all year to stay at Olde Edwards, and get Trey a spa day. That’s all he wanted, and needed. Relaxation.

If we stayed in town he wanted to EAT. Taking Trey to dinner was always an adventure. Trey read menus the wrong way. He didn’t look at what sounded good on the menu…he read from right to left. Whatever was the most expensive…that’s what he wanted. 99% of the time. Including the wine menu. If he ordered wine I was getting the chicken nugget, and a glass of water - with one ice cube.

I remember the very first Birthday dinner we went to. Bretts restaurant over by the terrace theatre. I was buying Trey dinner, and had no clue what I was in for. We both ordered filet mignon, and Trey ordered Calamari - I was okay. I had enough(whew 🥵)

… and then the sommelier comes over…What fresh hell was this???

I remember kicking Trey under the table…like LOOK AT ME. (My face and eyes were saying NO. NO WINE. instead of taking the hint he got his big eyes, and laughed, ‘don’t worry abiut it Thomas…it’ll be fine’. I about fell out right there. He just smiled and said ‘it’s alright…I’ll pay for the wine’. I was BEET RED, and I just said no. no. It’s okay.

I was buying him Birthday Dinner. It was delicious. Absolutely Delicious. Trey had asked for the perfect wine to pair with dinner…and that’s where we were introduced to Torri Mor, specifically the white rose vineyard. The wine was perfect. Everything about that meal was perfect. Everything.

And then the bill came. Before I opened it Trey said ‘Hey I’ll pay for the wine’ I immediately said no no. It’s your birthday. I got dinner…I should have opened the check first.

🥵😱🤯😱🤬

Trey had ordered a $300 bottle of wine. All in all it was a $500 meal. I think that week my paycheck was 500 bucks. I learned that night instead of a Christmas account I needed a birthday account for Trey. I could barely walk out of there.

It never changed. Ever.

The last Birthday we had together was August of 2019. Trey had always wanted to eat at the tasting room @ Mcradys.

Benton had been living here, and Trey wanted him to experience a REAL meal, also benton had been helping him so much with the cancer thing, and Trey was so grateful. I got reservations. We went. 12 or 14 courses later we were STUFFED. Trey insisted on all of the drink pairings…I was prepared now. That dinner made that first birthday dinner look like child’s play. It was $500/person, and it was perfect for Trey. He loved, and ate everything…did not have one single complaint.

I’m so glad he got to experience that. He was sooooo into food.

After that first Birthday Dinner he would always get a bottle of Torii Mor on special occasions, and he would always laugh about that situation. Always making fun of me. But, after that he ALWAYS paid for wine if he wanted it.

I love memories. They are my favorite.

Also this week I looked into the future…what I am going to do from here? And, I got lost.

Thank Goodness for Missy, Treys sister smacking me, and getting me onto the right track. I’m not sure where this track goes…but, it’s a lot nicer having help - and being forced to look at things differently. More on that once I get it all figured out.

_____________

This morning we went up to Mepkin first thing this morning. Benton studied, and I sat there thinking. Talking to Trey, and just being there. It was a beautiful morning. On the way I out I texted Brenda to see if they were home, or out. 30 minutes later we met them, and Woody & Joey for lunch (well I had a bar, one chip & a pickle, everyone else ate)

On the way there everything in my mind started going into overdrive. I had not seen them since Juanitas funeral in Savannah - the August before my stroke, the august before everything. It made me realize - I haven’t seen anyone at all since everything happened.

That really hit me hard. Really, really hard.

I remembered while I was in the hospital one Saturday Trey called, and said Woody & Joey were coming to town for lunch and he was going to come up to the hospital as soon as lunch was over. I was in rehab, and I knew he was super tired all the time, and not eating right…so I told him to just stay home, enjoy lunch, and rest. He didn’t need to rush around. He ended up having lunch, and staying home. He called later that day and said he would come down, but I said no. Just relax. Maybe he could bring the dogs down to see me on Sunday.

He did bring them to the hospital to see me that Sunday morning. And that’s the first day that I knew something was wrong. He had driven himself down. And parked in the most random place ever. Nowhere near the elevators…and he was lost. Couldn’t explain where he was. I ended up telling him to honk the horn, and we rolled around listening for the horn. It was the weekend before I was getting out.

I was scared. Something was going on, and I decided everyone was hiding it from me. I’d ask everyone about Trey the entire time I was coherent…all anyone would tell me was ‘He’s fine. Focus on you getting better’

I remember that day seeing him I was MAD. I was mad at myself because I felt like I had let him down with everything. I was mad because no one would tell me anything. I was mad because there was nothing I could do. He had a drs appointment scheduled for right after I would get out. He told me that I didn’t need to worry about it, his mom would take him.

I think EVERYONE within a mile of roper heard me. I didn’t care who went. I WAS GOING.

That day Trey didnt stay long at all. He brought us homemade egg custard that Joey had made…it was sooo good, and easy to eat. And he told us about the amazing stew that she had made. He went on and on about it. It was so good to hear him talk about food like that. I was so happy that he loved it. He said we could have some on Tuesday when I came home.

He then got super tired and I think I sent benton to drive him home. That’s the first day I really remember being scared. And wanting to know what the heck was really going on.

But, I remembered that egg custard.

And the day I came home, I walked into balloons everywhere. And Brenda heating up lunch. Joeys Stew. The whole house smelled good.

My first real meal out of the hospital. And that memory is all I could think about.

It’s going to be very very weird seeing people again for the first time. In a way I’m thankful for my blackout glasses just like I was for masks. I can hide all of my emotions a lot easier.

And I know as soon as I can/we all can I really really want to have something for Trey. I hate, hate the way everything happened. I feel like the world fell apart ball at once, and Trey got lost in the mix. So as soon as it can be done I really want to have something. Be it a barbecue at the house, a picnic at Mepkin, something to remember Trey, and celebrate everything that he was, and still is.

I don’t know when that will be possible. But, it’s really weighing on my mind.

Also - reading Treys notes…I realized I was fairly mean, and angry while I was in the hospital to most everyone. I have no clue where that came from, I have no idea. All I know is I was worried about Trey…and I didn’t really care about anything else. I wanted Trey and no one else. Trey and Benton, because benton could understand my Chewbacca talking, and I knew he would be driving Trey. I do remember April being there and all I would ask her was where is Trey? Call Trey. Call Benton. I did not want to talk to her. Just call them. She couldn’t understand a word of what I was saying, at all. So she just stood there and said okay, okay…mmmhmmm. So I’m sure I was mean to everyone. I know everyone says I kicked my mom out all the time. But, the only time I remember my mom being there was when I went for a swallow test, and she told me she was leaving. That’s the only day I really remember my mom being there.

…I apologize. I was not in the best of moods, and my brain wasn’t quite all there.

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