I was texting April a few weeks ago and she made up this word(she’s from West Virginia - the just make up words if they don’t understand)
However this one perfectly fits everything in so many ways.
This time last year was insanely horrifying. This time last year I was going insane...Trey gone, coronavirus in full effect, the house was so empty...yet so full. I had to get out. Last year at this time we were planning a trip out west. I just needed a break from the house, from life, from corona. It was an awful time.
Things have gotten better, but it’s still weird. One day it’s all okay, the next I can barely function.
I have everything going on...recovering from a massive pontine stroke, nightmares of being locked out...having no energy suddenly from the stroke...to dealing with everything from Treys passing. Somedays it’s all just too much. Having to make so many adjustments at once is so extremely hard. And looking out of the horizon I just don’t ever see that ending.
Last year I had to keep telling myself that all of this would come to an end. That everything would be okay. This year...it’s just been a long journey realizing that all of this will really never end. Once one thing wraps up...there’s always going to be that next thing that pops up. It’s a never ending process.
Every time I leave T&B’s after having a really great - or boring conversation ... every-time really doing anything where I feel like Trey is missing it’s really hard. This past weekend spending time in Atlanta...having a great tome.
It’s really hard because I want Trey there so bad. I want to blame all of that, like so many things on COVID. But, I just don’t know.
With covid going on everything has been so delayed. Life getting back to ‘normal’ may never happen. More than a year later, now today...things are still hitting just as hard as a year ago. Just every new experience now...is just a reminder of things that will never be again.
The world slowly opening back up, all of the news coming out, things happening, everything going on that normally I’d want to talk to Trey about, all of that is missing.
That’s really the hardest thing to deal with. Feeling all alone - while being anything but alone. It’s impossible.
Waking up daily for me looks like this...
Violent/Scary nightmares daily about being locked in, and enduring the stroke. My very last memories of Trey are all seen through my very hallucinatory stroke recovery memories. I think that’s the hardest thing...my last three months with Trey were taken away by that damn stroke. I have memories of Trey in the hospital...but I don’t know if they’re real, or hallucinations.
The only time I’m pretty sure they’re real is Valentine’s Day in the hospital. I remember Trey bringing me a card. And I keep that card in the kitchen now. missy was there, but they did not eat. I also vividly remember Trey and Brenda coming to One of my first days of therapy. Other than that it’s very hazy.
Even coming home - that’s when the real nightmare started - it’s all a mess.
I hate that all my last memories are a mess...I hate that I didn’t realize what was happening. I just wish I could have had a little more time...but then so does everyone. That’s the hardest part ... feeling sorry for myself, and then realizing I’m not alone in all of this grief.