I need a break now...

In the past year and a half I have lost everything. Literally everything.

Ability to work...gone

Independence...gone

Trey...gone

Only job I’ve ever loved...gone

Life as I’ve known it...gone

Beauregard...gone

And then this morning. Unexpectedly...

Bess Bess...gone.

It’s like everything in my life I knew pre stroke is gone. I know life after a stroke is totally different.

But geez ...All at once? Really?

It’s been hard. Just one thing after another after another after another...and then another. I don’t understand why this is happening. I especially don’t understand all at once.

The day after Trey passed away my mom had to leave town-out of fear covid was going to shut everything down. Bess passed yesterday, and again my mom left. In many ways it’s good...because I can’t process things with anyone around, I’m too worried making sure everything is okay.

After Trey we were in business mode, immediately. I knew what had happened. I don’t think I fully accepted it for quite awhile because it was literally nonstop for the longest time. My moods have been quite a ride...I can be okay one minute, and quite literally the next minute I’m the opposite. There are still days where it doesn’t hit me...it’s more like a head on collision with it... just out of the blue. Reality sets in really hard. Really fast.

My life...our life that we worked on for 24 years...I mean really worked on. We had plans. We had everything planned, we had retirement planned, we had plans for taking care of our parents...long term plans and goals. Everything in Treys life was planned and thought out. We were comfortable. That’s all we wanted. To be comfortable.

Within two years all of that has been shredded. Destroyed. 23 years of plans...knowing what I was going to do, what we were going to do. Gone.

I don’t even know how to describe the void that that leaves. Not only is my best friend and partner gone, all of our dreams are too.

That is alone.

Before my stroke I honestly had no idea Trey was on the path that he was. I had no idea at all about what was happening.

Post Stroke, I was a mess. I knew Trey kept telling me to be nice to benton - That Benton had promised Trey to take care of me...in my brain fog I wasn’t sure what he meant. I didn’t need any help...benton could go away. Trey was insistent. I always begged Trey to stay at the hospital with me. He never could...(again I had no clue what reality was)

One of my favorite last memories is walking/rolling around Roper Hospital, the three of us. Trey always called us the Three Amigos. Always just friends...Trey always said benton was the best friend I needed right when he was diagnosed. He always loved how benton and I would fight, and get over it, and work together for everything. There was nothing ever to be jealous of...we are both just focused, hard working guys...that had to focus on taking care of Trey and the business. And we did.

Post stroke everything changed. Now there were two of us needing help. Trey told benton right after my stroke that if he was going to leave he needed to go ahead and leave. Apparently benton told him we were family, and he wasn’t going anywhere.

For the last year and a half I have never felt so alone. At all. But, at the same time never less alone either. Except for when my sister stayed at the hospital at night benton has been there every night. Holding my hand as I scream in fear from nightmares, because I’m lost, or frozen and can’t move. Moving to the couch in the middle of the night scared out of my mind.

Things have changed so so much in the past year and a half. The day I was released from the hospital Trey wanted to get married so that my care wasn’t hanging in the balance waiting on my mom...that never happened. Trey went into the hospital the next Monday.

Benton and I were married in October...right before my facial reanimation surgery. It was never as if life went on...we were doing what benton had promised Trey.

I don’t think there’s a single day that goes by that we don’t talk about Trey in depth.

Life has changed and continues to change. It’s not comfortable. It’s not liked. It’s not wanted.

Since Beauregard passed it’s been in the back of my head that I got miss Bess almost exactly one year later. And that’s just sat there, and been hanging over me. Beauregard was her best friend. Trey was her couch sitting buddy. Bitsy was her forced friend.

But, today Bitsy is missing her like crazy. Jumping up every 10 seconds, or at every noise.

A few weeks ago I told benton I needed to start looking for a puppy. I knew it was coming. Still...I had no clue right away. So, Bitsy...is gonna have to be a lone dog for a little bit.

Bernard is coming soon...

After 23 years of planning...

back to square 1...

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