The last time I ‘worked’ was January 13, 2020. 480 days. It’s hell. Pure HELL.
Sure...everyone says, and thinks - oh man it’s be so nice to not have to work. It would be just grand. HA. fat chance.
Lounging around, not having stress to think about is nice...for maybe month. After that it begins to get so unbelievably monotonous. I guess some find comfort in that...not me. I need to be doing something. I need to be seen....which for me is weird, because as Trey always said if I could be a hermit I totally would. I LOVE alone time.
Used to we had a rule. Sunday’s were out. I wasn’t doing ANYTHING or going ANYWHERE on sundays. I stayed home...and did Laundry, Read, Cooked. Occasionally someone would come over for dinner...but on sundays that was usually only T&B.
Sundays were really the day to just do nothing. Trey would stay in the den and watch every you tube video known to man...I had the tv going for noise while I folded laundry, or laid on the couch to read. One of my favorite things to do.
Now...folding laundry is like some evil man made torture. It hurts, and it’s draining. Reading is out the door. I can read small bits on my phone, but anything long and I lose all concentration. It’s just not enjoyable at all. We used to listen to books on tape on road trips...I need to see if I’m able to do that and hold my attention without falling asleep.
But...Not being able to work is a WHOLE different animal. The need to work is there...the desire to work is there. The motivation is there...
Just out me in a work situation alone...and everything goes out the window.
I can’t see the cursor for the mouse....so it takes me about 5 minutes to find that, everytime I need the mouse. Once I find the cursor and get it to where I need in good...until the screen changes. Then I need 5 more minutes to orient myself with the new page. Start all over. Then when it comes time to type lord help me. Redo it over and over and over. I’m used to this now...but it drives benton crazy. At this point he would grab the keyboard and ask what I’m trying to do. Two seconds later I’d be logged in. By this point I’ve forgotten what I’m logging into, or why. Is it time for a nap?
So computers are out. Totally. Which takes out everything I used to be able to do...
Working around people and movement is not good. In public I’m attached to someone’s arm trying to walk, and movement or people or things in the way...total mess.
So I guess I could be a school janitor at night...but after 8 pm I’d be layed out on the floor drooling after I had just mopped it...
Really anything that requires me looking at something is out. A few weeks ago at harpers horse show Brenda asked if I could see Harper. I was like YES. I ain’t blind. But that made me really start thinking about things. Yes I can see Harper...on the horse. Can’t see see her, like I don’t know if she’s smiling, frowning...or any of that. I know what color harpers horse is...and that’s the only one like it...so I can scan the arena and find Harper. But, if she had been on a regular every day horse I’d have to look for the wider with no ribbons coming out of her hat. I had no idea if she was doing well or not...all I knew was she hadn’t fallen off...so basically she won grand champion in everything she did.
It wasn’t until I saw Harper up close that I knew she was upset. Those big self disappointed Strock eyes.
I don’t think it was until that day that I really realized how bad my vision was. How much my brain was filling in the blanks - creating a picture that I could see what was going on. Maybe that’s why I like the older shows that I’ve seen a million times - I see it in my mind so I know, and picture the tv. So I think to myself I’m ‘watching tv’ in reality I’m listening to the same show I’ve seen a million times. Watching the colors move around.
Put a new show on tv...and I lose interest really quickly.....
So my disability claim has been under review for just about ever. On November 17, 2020 they started the medical review. Which they said could take 3 months...February 17, 2021...give them a few more weeks(covid). Okay. March 17, 2021....a FEW more weeks.
March 22 I called back...
Ma’am. My ‘few’ weeks is up. I need to know now what is going on. She connected me to her supervisor. I was ready.
She pulled everything up, and it was waiting approval still - but my ‘claim was going to be denied’
STOP THE BUS!!!
Her was about to meet Thomas, and trust me she was not ready, prepared, or looking forward to this meeting.
...some of you may have met Thomas, or seen Thomas in action. She got the full mother Mary of mercy Wrath of 2020. Every single thing that happened in 2020 came out-and she got it all.
I had turned in 15 doctors information. FIFTEEN. And TWO therapists contact info. So I had given social security 17 people to contact about my claim. SEVENTEEN.
And I asked each person to PLEASE contact me to let me know if someone from disability reached out. As of 3/22/2021 I knew everything. And I wanted to know...
Okay ma’am. I need to know which doctors y’all have spoken to....I’ll list them out for you, and you just say yes or no okay?
Trident Medical Center/ER - NO
Trident initial MRI - NO
Roper Hospital - NO
Roper Stroke Center - NO
Katy (physical therapist) - NO
Angie(occupational therapist) - NO
MUSC Stroke Clinic - NO
Dr Hedgedus(NEUROLOGIST) - NO
Facial plastics surgeon - NO
My Neurosurgeon - NO
ENT surgeon - NO
My audiologist - NO
My previous family doctor - NO
The Dr that read all of my MRIs - NO
My neuro psychologist - NO
I saved the two I KNEW they contacted for last.
Dr Dave (my everyday doctor - YES!!!(she was so excited)
OH OKAY.....What information did you get from him?
....hmmmm let me look she said.
OH. I WILL tell you. Y’all asked for my list of medicines. That’s it.
Dr. Berman (Neuro Ophthalmologist, and he did my eye surgery to install a weight so I could close my eye) - YES!! (Again very excited) I didn’t even ask what they got from him.
Y’all asked if my eyelid surgery was successful...
Her response - it was successful, they were able to correct your eye.
Ma’am...I can close my right eye now. Praise Jesus. Throw a party....
She explained that if surgery was able to fix the problem then I could not be disabled.
Wrong thing to say to the Thomas. I think she regretted it the second it came out of her mouth.
All I could hear was THOMAS BE NICE. BE NICE. ITS NOT THIS LADIES FAULT. BE NICE. DONT CUSS. DONT CUSS THOMAS. GIVE HER SOME GO DIVA CHOCOLATES. BE NICE. BE HER FRIEND.
That’s what Trey would always do when trying to calm me down from moronic government systems. I tried to be as nice as I could. I think I was successful...she never hung up on me, granted she may have been too scared too.
When I finally took a breath she was literally said ‘WOW...okay.’
I think she said okay twice. And then she said let me put you on hold here for a second. She gave me her desk phone number in case we got disconnected.
About 10 minutes later she came back with her supervisor...and had me go over everything that was wrong with me. Calmer this time.
And literally all she said was I’m gonna need to make a phone call. Can we call you back?
It was time for a nap. I was EXHAUSTED.
They called back within 30 minutes, I didn’t answer so they called benton. I had a Dr’s appointment on APRIL 15. Be there and be on time.
April 15 we went to the appointment. SURPRISE...you can’t see so well. The dr actually looked at benton during the exam and said ‘can he NOT move his eyes?’ Like he was shocked. I had to take a visual field test to see how much vision I had. It was not the most fun half an hour.
So Bentons been calling everyday since then to ask about their findings.
It’ll just be a few more weeks. Everyday. A few more weeks. So yesterday there’s a huge packet in the mail with my results. I can’t scan and put them on here because they’re owned by social security but I can talk about them.
My visual acuity is:
Left eye 20/300
Right eye 20/200
Legally blind. BUT it can be corrected to 20/70 in both eyes. so NOT legally blind.
My visual field test...(normal is 90-100%)
Left eye - 6%
Right eye - 9%
...anything below 20% is legally blind.
So everything directly in front of me is I look STRAIGHT at it I can see pretty well. Anything outside of that...basically nothing.
Reading all of the notes in the report the dr says it most likely is all caused by my stroke. And if you add my visual field, acuity, together with the fact I have severe gaze palsy he says it would be a severe disability.
The report also goes on asking if the dr or staff noticed anything off about me, about the testing, or anything In general. He said no to all of that. So I want pretending, trying to cheat, or any of that. All in all it seems to me like there’s no way to deny it.
But...on the cover letter there is a blank box for ‘personalized denial letter attached’
There’s no denial letter. No one will say what that’s about. It’s all back to social security now. It’ll be ‘a few more weeks, maybe a month’
480 days. I’m going insane.