It’ll be easier next year…. Lies.

Not sure why…but last year seems like it never really happened.

The ornament I have from Treys shirts

I think I was on auto pilot the whole year. So many things happened that I think I just shut down, locked them all together and all of 2020 Became one.

Starting to go through it all, and pick it apart has been quite the process. Just pulling apart all of my memories of the hospital has been super super intense. By intense I mean I’m gonna need therapy for my therapy. It’s amazing how much of everything I remember, and have written about…but then I lose it all again in the rat trap that is my mind.

Little things, like the dirt and dust that covered everything in the hospital, me telling Trey how filthy everything was…to massive scary as hell memories of the instant the big stroke happened.

Trying to get benton’s attention, frozen, paralyzed, unable to do anything. Finally someone saw me sliding down the wall and jumped up. I thought I was dead. I could see the panic in benton’s face, the screaming, and then it went black. I could feel myself being drug on the floor. I knew the paramedics were there…it all happened so fast. I felt myself lifted into the ambulance…and then nothing.

I could repeat it all again and again. It never changes.

The tests, the failures, the hopelessness. It’s all there, just makes more sense now.

Now we are working on My memories of Trey. And my guilt of not seeing what was happening right in front of me. That’s something I’m not sure I will ever ‘get over’ ‘through’ or ‘around’. I’m not sure that I even want to. I just want to straighten my mind out, and make sense of the mess that 2020 is.

Last year I put up Christmas stuff, rather benton did. I needed distraction, I needed familiarity…I needed calm. It was hard. But, it was okay. This year…

Pictures of past Christmas’ get me upset. There is no way I could handle anything at all. Going through the ornaments, couldn’t do it. Seeing all the boxes, nope. I’d remember Trey complaining about everything on one hand, and on the other buying more Christmas stuff. I just couldn’t do it this year. Everything is so much clearer now, and I just couldn’t see myself going through all of that as well.

Next year will be a different story. I miss everything. Just not sure how or what to do. I have time to figure that out. But this year I’m really just taking it very easy…not stressing about anything, enjoying every day, doing what I can, and am able to do. And basically enjoying what is.

This has been an extremely difficult almost 2 years. It’s hard to believe or to even say it’s almost been two years. But, it has. So much has changed, so much is still changing, including me.

All of that is scary but, exciting at the same time. I just wish Trey was here to see how much I have changed, and really became more of the determined, focused, optimistic person he always wanted me to be.

As far as it getting easier…never believe that. You learn how to hide it better, but it’s never any easier.

Hurts all the same.