Really it is. In every way.
i just don’t understand it. Trey wasn’t done. There was so much more he wanted to do, so much more he could have done. I guess that’s the same for everybody. But I just don’t understand it right now.
Things are supposed to happen a certain way. We plan on things happening that way. We prepare for that...we try to prepare at least. When things go haywire it’s just not right. There’s so much left unsaid...so much left unanswered. There’s just so much.
I have had terrible nightmares / night terrors since my stroke. Or hallucinations that have morphed into recurring terror attacks. I’ve seen just about every type of dr available. Psychiatrists/psychologists/counselors/Neurilogists....all of them. I’ve tried every sleep thing available. Meditation, talking to my dreams...trying to train myself against them. I’ve tried everything. Stalled taking pills, switched pills ... I’ve had all of my meds shuffled around, adjusted, and readjusted.
Finally something worked. Taking prozac at night keeps my dreams at bay for the most part. I still have bad dreams...but I don’t wake up in a panic looking for Trey, Benton, or my Sister.
I don’t know why...but it’s always those three I’m searching for. Trey was always trying to help me through the tests in my hallucinations, benton was there at night while I thought the hospital was a houseboat floating down some backwoods swamp, and my sister was with me when the mask was clamped onto my head snd I was suffocating. It’s always that same dream over and over.
Taking the prozac at a different time has made all the difference. But, like tonight if I fall asleep before it’s prozac time...the nightmares are back.
I’m still waking an average of 3.5 miles a day. I get very tired. And have three to 4 naps a day. The afternoon naps are hard. This evening I fell asleep around 6. Woke up at about 820 in a total panic. Benton had just gotten home thank god. Because I am lost and confused when I wake up from one.
Now I can’t sleep. And that drives me crazy because I start to over think.
I get mad. Really mad. Why did this have to happen? Why everything all at once?
Why could I not even have a proper service/memorial for Trey? Why?
It drives me nuts. He deserved so much more. The whole thing drives me up the wall.
I know the circumstances were something that no one ever expected. I know Trey would not want anyone out in Danger. I know all of that.
It’s still just very aggravating. As all mess. I never ever imagined a year later...exactly today that we would still be here.
Things are opening up, and getting somewhat back to normal. But, for so many of us...normal will never be back. No matter what.