Lost in change…

“Death has been no stranger in my life. At times I have felt cursed by its sting. I have witnessed its power over the lives of a child that never made it beyond the womb, up to the frail ending of a life who endured many generations. It is no respecter of persons. Death's grip can paralyze those it leaves behind. I have watched people become trapped in its loss till their very being is nothing but a hollow shell stuck in the memories of what once was or, what should have been. Death is Fall - that turns to bitter harsh Winter. All is silent, and still. I have become callused to death's sting. Just as Winter gives way to Spring, In death, can be found a new beginning, one that echoes the voices of those we lost. Spring is the legacy they left behind. It is the transition into the person you always knew they believed you to be. The sting of Death is conquered when the lives of those who have died are carried on in the lives of those that remain.”

- Jennifer Collier

Yes. Jennifer Collier. For real. Her. she wrote that…..

She originally posted that in 2017. Trey was always astounded by the things that would come out of Jennifer. You literally never knew, or know what your gonna get. This was Treys response in 2017.

Trey always respected Jennifer. Thought she was a little ’touched’…but, entertaining. I know at the end he talked to and texted her A LOT. He told me A LOT about the soccer mom snacks she brought to the hospital. he had her running all over town to pick up my family at the airport. Many many things. And at the end he texted her. I still can not read those texts. She meant a lot more than She will ever know...

I have not been having the best couple of months, at all. I’m not bad. Just lost. It was T&T for over half my life. Trey was there for virtually everything past high school for me. Everything I knew was Trey. My identity was ‘Trey & Thomas’. Having that ripped away the way it was is really, really hard.

Yes, I know we knew the diagnosis in 2018…but, I was stupid enough to believe we had 5-10 years left. I don’t know why I was so stuck on that number, because had it been 5 years I don’t think this would have been any easier. Nor would have 10 years. I don’t think it would ever be any easier…at all.

But, now I feel like I am trapped in my memories like Jennifer said…“people become trapped in its loss till their very being is nothing but a hollow shell stuck in the memories of what once was or, what should have been.”

When I read that this morning it sent chills through me. Trey always told me that I lived in my memories, and that I needed to just live in the now. I can not even start to think how often he told me that. Always. People have always commented on how I remember the tiniest details of the most mundane things. I love my memories. I feel like they are all I have. I find comfort in my memories, I find peace.

Reading that this morning was like hearing Trey tell me again, Thomas you live in your memories…you gotta LIVE NOW.

But, I am so afraid - afraid of forgetting, afraid of ‘moving on’, afraid of losing all of it…a huge HUGE part of my life.

It scares me. How quickly ‘life goes on’ it terrifies me really. I can’t seem to go on. Everything about me stops, and thinks about Trey, what he would do, what he would say. What he would think. It hurts so incredibly much how fast and quickly things have changed. Everything in life has changed, the landscape of Charleston has changed, the neighborhood has changed. It’s all too much to think about.

I hate being stuck at home everyday, but also when I do leave the house I am in shock that the world has changed as much as it has.

I really feel like that old man ‘hey you kids…get off of my yard!!!’

The fact that I now identify with that guy scares me. I understand all the people before that reject change, and want things to stay the same. I am that person.

I am just lost. Being lost.

But think about this.

I am lost…but know where my story ends. Not how it ends, but knowing where I’ll be is an oddly peaceful, knowing feeling.

Yes…I still like to have control…(some things never change)


….as I was writing this yesterday, a friend told me that the cinebarre in Mt Pleasant is scheduled for tear down. That was our weekly Saturday tradition for YEARS. Movies every weekend is something we always did. Movies started sometime in 2000. We went to lunch at Vickerys on Beaufain. Trey wanted the Turkey with Brie, and raspberry mayonnaise…and black bean soup. That is the best sandwich ever. At lunch he asked me what I wanted to do…NEVER ask me what I want to do, because the answer will always be ‘I don’t care’

Trey HATED that. Always did. He would always say ‘don’t ask thomas, he don’t care’ That day he said we would sit there until I thought Of something I wanted to do. He was reading the City Paper…there was nothing really going on, plus I can never make a decision. So I just randomly said let’s go se a movie. Thinking he would be like fine, and kick a movie. He did. Some horror movie, Thomas and Scary movies don’t mix... so we were back to me having to pick out the movie. We ended up watching ‘Saving Grace’…a woman loses her husband, and nearly everything, so to save her house, and everything she has she starts growing and selling weed. Just a great English movie. After that we would go see the most random movies all the time. And it got to be every weekend we took turns choosing the movie. Unless we were out of town, or there was a home show, we saw a movie every single weekend. It was such an escape from the week, from work, from reality. We LOVED that time. It really was the only time that Trey could shit down, stop thinking about work, or ways to improve, what’s next, what needs to be done, the problems of the world, everything. At cinebarre we could watch the movie, and have lunch. It was never GREAT, but we got lunch, and a movie…less time wasted going to lunch, and then a movie. It worked, plus the matinee shows were always empty.

The last movie we saw was at Cineb