March 14th/15th

Overwhelming. No easier way to say that.

After I got out of the hospital Bentons mom wanted to come down to see, well me-and everyone had been planned since the 28th. Not planned were the coming changes.

It was such a weird time. A definite hallucination, in every way...

On one hand I’m seeing people, a lot of people for the first time since my stroke...that’s mortifying, and happy at the same time. On the other hand it was the last weekend with Trey.

It was a lot to handle...and I did not do it well. I honestly don’t know how anyone could...that’s a horrible situation to be in. Happy and Sad and in this weird unknown place.

I felt like I was all alone. Surrounded by people, but alone.

Scared, and alone. I didn’t trust anyone, ANYONE. I felt like my entire world was being taken was.

So, we had a meeting of chaos.

Here’s all that I remember of that day.

  1. Chaos

  2. Seeing Seth for the First time, and being embarrassed.

  3. Seeing the girls for the first time, and I felt like a monster.

  4. Seeing the fear I knew all to well in Margots eyes. She was not wanting to see Trey. I understood that more than anything I’ve ever understood.

  5. We had quesadillas for lunch. Trey ate one piece, and had pudding, and a popsicle. I recall him looking at me like ‘I don’t eat quesadillas’ with that look on his face like ‘who do you think I am’?

  6. I remember being in such a weird place of thought. I remember walking Missy and Seth in to see Trey. I remember being scared to leave them alone. I actually remember thinking...this is not happening...This is not happening...this is not happening.

years before...On The Monday after we had been to the emergency room, and were told to get Trey to an oncologist was a very hard day. Trey didn’t want anyone to know. I was going insane. Alone at work.

I called Missy that day. Three times in a row. I needed to tell someone...and there was a time when Missy and I talked about everything. I needed that.

She never answered, thankfully, because I would have been in deep kimchi. I stopped calling because The Oncolgist called me back and asked if we could come I raced to the office to get Trey...

Walking Missy in to see Trey that day was something I never thought I would or wanted to ever do. Ever. I couldn’t handle it.

I remember leaving to see the girls, that had stayed outside. Harper asked if she could see Trey. I told her sure, if she wanted to he would love to see her. Margot needed distraction. So I showed her all of my rocks. I don’t know why. But I was in there showing her all of them...and Harper came in and asked if she could still see Trey.

I think she had wanted to ask her mom first, but Missy was in talking to Trey.

I will never forget Treys face when he saw Harper. Instant radiating Trey smile. ‘Hey Harper!!’ Everything totally changed. In that moment I could not think about the girls and Trey. I focused like a laser on that reaction.

And that’s it. All I remember from that day. Some things are crystal clear...other days are just a total blur...all my thoughts poured into a blender, and mixed thoroughly.

I think Missy stayed. I don’t know where Seth and the girls went. I went to pick up Treys last prescription while she sat with Trey. Something that a year later I can not accept that happened. I mean I knew time was running out. I didn’t realize just how fast. I was still in denial. Hell - I’m still in denial today.

This whole weekend is a blur. People were in and out. I know I went up to mepkin one afternoon. I just wanted to be sure that’s what felt right still. Nothing felt right, everything seemed seemed like I had to make every decision right then. I didn’t like any of that. The pressure, anything.

Also, you have to remember I was totally oblivious to the whole ‘CoronaVirus’ thing. I hadn’t been seeing the news, anything. I remember getting a message that hospice was ceasing all services, and thinking they can’t do that....

I remember telling missy we would see her next weekend. She had wanted to come back.

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