March 4th

It’s hard to put into words how all of this is, and has been. Incredibly hard is an understatement, tough doesn’t even start to scratch the surface, nothing even comes close. Nothing.

I know. It’s all natural, and part of life...maybe for you, but not for me. In my head I still had 3-8 years. I still want that time back. I know that’s not possible, but dammit I want it.

This week a year ago was an emotional week. But, looking back I should have seen all of the signs that were SCREAMING at me.

Nope, none of it mattered. As soon as I got him to drink more water, and eat 10% more it would all be fixed. I had that in my head, and it was stuck there.

I remember the Monday that Trey was admitted to the hospital I kept saying ‘well this is probably a good thing-once he gets rehydrated we will be perfect. Dr Orcutt was trying to tell me there was more to it than that...but I wasn’t listening. I was stubborn...

I knew something was wrong Tuesday morning when I showed up to meet dr orcutt and he was already gone. Right then I knew Trey was hiding something. I grilled him and asked him why he told me to be there later. I knew something was up. Trey would have none of it. I was in a weird weird place, l wanted Trey out of the hospital, I didn’t know what was going on, but I wanted out. My mental state over the next few days took a swan dive, no, more like an uncontrolled belly flop. It was not pretty...It was not acceptable, it was nothing I had any control over.

I just remember losing it, and I mean losing it all right there in the middle of the the point I could not walk out. It was that day that everything for me was ripped apart. Seeing what I had not seen for three months that day in Treys eyes is something I will never forget. That’s the day Trey pulled the curtain back and let me in, everyone in the hospital heard, it honestly felt like a piece of my soul was ripped.

It was in that instant that all focus went from my recovery to Trey. He hated that, and kept telling me to stop and focus on my therapy. His attitude never changed, he was positive, upbeat... ready to get home, and move on. Trey was never really down and out. He was positive always.

Probably one of the biggest things I learned from Trey. Stay positive no matter what. Always. Trey was always everyone’s biggest cheerleader...mine, his doctors, his employees, random people he knew from the street, he truly loved people, and he loved going forward. I was skeptical of everything, and everyone. Trey was not-he jumped right in. He always said we balanced one another out well, because I didn’t like anyone, and he liked everyone. After YEARS he would finally ask me what I thought of so and so, or how did I like so and so...and I’d tell him flat out what I thought. Things got interesting.

I’m sorry. I love talking about the past, and talking about Trey.

Nothing in life ever made me as happy, or as confident in myself. I feel like Trey took all my insecurities and shook them around and made everything come to the surface. He then made me face and realize all them. It was all over the years, so I never really realized what was happening.

I had a great childhood. I wouldn’t change a thing - other than every other weekend, and summers. Raised by my mother, and Grandmother...we never had much, but we had everything. We were raised to NEVER be bored. Ohhhh that was a BAD word. Say it, and Gramdma would find something for you to do. We had chores, animals, rules, and freedom. Cousins, family, and friends all around us. Mom being a single mom worked all the time. Grandma would usually take us to school with her(she was a cook at the school - and trust me - schooil food was different back then) I remember sitting in the kitchen while they made breakfast for the school. My sister and I would wash dishes. Grandma would be waiting at home when we got off the bus, and Chores began. Homework, then go outside and play. Childhood was great, a storybook really.

My sister and I fought like crazy...still do. When she gets out of line...I have to correct her and reign her in. Not for much longer though...finally found someone to marry her, and take her off our hands.

***I hope he has read the no returns OR exchanges policy, thoroughly and completely***

Nothing to really complain about childhood at all really. Trey just helped me face, look at, and try to work through all of my issues. He always did. With work, family, childhood, adulthood.

I think that was just the kind of man Trey was. He always pushed everyone to be better and better. He loved to challenge people, make you think, rethink. He always tested everything he believed. He never took anything at face value, he had to find out for himself. He always always saw the best in people.

Looking back at my notes from a year ago...remembering all of the love from total strangers, from people I barely’s overwhelming. But in the notes from today March 4th, 2020 I had written down that Tim called Trey. To check on me. Trey told him I was out of the hospital, and he could call me. Here it is a year later and I still have not heard from him. Trey thought it was funny how he would call, and act like he really cared...but never want to talk to me. If I could roll my eyes I would have. But, 43 years in - nothing is going to change.

Trey would tell me to let it be.

My life now is so much better.

Treys dad Tommy has been more of a father than he ever could have, or tried to be. My Grandad Jim was there for me after the stroke like no one else. He was literally my biggest cheerleader. I still miss him calling and saying ‘TJ this is your Grand dad’ like I never knew who was callings...and tell me to get up and go walk, constantly. So, I have had no shortage of family at all.

It’s like I will do anything to avoid or distract myself from what happened last year.

Today last year we found out that Treys cancer had spread pretty rapidly. He needed to have a stint put in.

That’s about all I can talk about right now.

Today is the day that all of our lives came crashing down. Today is the day that I came home, and just thought WHAT THE &$)@!?(am I going to do?

Today 5 years ago Tommy, Brenda, Trey, and I went to Savannah to meet Susan and Juanita for lunch at Papas(Juanita out ate all of us) and to take flowers. I used to have a picture of Trey and I in the back seat of Tommy’s truck, Brenda riding shotgun - Trey had his phone out looking at it. So did Brenda...just like twins. They had to have their finger on the pulse of everything. Always. That was such a fun day trip.

The cover photo for this entry is also from 5 years ago. Trey waiting impatiently for his ride...and Beauregard following right behind him, As usual.

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