Always fun...picnics, food, family, summer, laid back, relaxed.
This year is totally different. I guess because last year was such a mess that everything was canceled. Last year was a total blur. It doesn’t exist.
I look on my Facebook memories and see posts from 2 years ago with Trey and I feel like they’ve only been a year. It’s literally like I am missing a year. Trey dealt with cancer for two years-and for me to realize that’s been almost four years ago we started just blows my mind. So many regrets...but then I keep asking myself if I really regret them, or not...
Once Trey made his decision on his care and his drs it was all set in stone. I never really questioned his decision at all. At first I would throw out every crazy idea I had or every ‘Tom foolery’ nonsense I heard on the internet...I thought the internet was smarter than the dr. But rather quickly I stopped all that. For one it was scaring me. A lot. Reading about cancer treatments online is no bueno...listening to people’s opinions and thoughts is just about as bad. If not worse. I know...people can’t help it...even me. They have to tell you their experiences...and opinions. Trust me it’s not comforting, at all.
My dad, brother, cousin, friend, the barista, someone someone knows had this same exact cancer and they came out of it singing and dancing in a parade of confetti and balloons.....
Yeah. That’s nice.
There was always so so so much that was hidden. So much that we didn’t want to see, or be seen. So, so much. And if anything. I mean ANYTHING made Trey uncomfortable we had an escape route planned. Trey wouldn’t have to say a word, at all. I would just see it in his face and boom....oh goodness I have to leave. I forgot it’s tome to wash my hair...or oops I left the oven on. We rarely got to that point. But it did happen a few times.
If we ignored it or Trey hid it. It was not pretty. We traveled with ‘the bag’ every where. I had emergency supplies of all of Treys meds in there...water, food, a change of clothes, headphones, reading materials, back up batteries for his phone...a everything he could possibly need. He carried that thing with him EVERYWHERE. And I restocked it and charged it every night. His anxiety medicine was the most important. There were times when everything would get so hard on him and he would just about explode. It took everything to get him to take those medicines regularly.
I remember specifically one Saturday we rode to Myrtle beach with Tommy and Brenda for lunch. It was at the end of his cycle for carboplatin snd eutopiside. Everything was great. And then all hell broke loose. I could not figure out what was going on, why Trey was getting so upset. We got to Myrtle beach. Sat down for lunch. And Trey got up and bolted out the door.
I caught up with him about half a mile away. Just fuming. And I was like what is going on? He didn’t know. This was a bad idea he can’t be here. No one understands. And so on. I told him I was calling the dr. Because he didn’t seem right. At that point I asked him if he took everything I gave him that morning.... ‘No I didn’t take my mood pill because I didn’t think I needed it. I didn’t take it yesterday and I was just fine’
I hung up. Dr Thomas came out. Trey you can not skip those. They keep everything balanced. You have so many chemicals swirling around you need those. I gave him the extra one I ALWAYS carried. And I gave him his ‘mamas little helper’ pill. Which essentially does exactly how it sounds it should. I left him to walk around and catch his breath...and we had lunch. That was really the worst of it we had in public. After that if Trey wasn’t feeling right we would stay home. After that he never skipped his ‘mood pill’ again.
That lunch trip was almost 3 years ago. And it feels like it was last year. I remember the damn straws were a pasta stick and Tommy was eating his.
Anyhow I’m the worst about offering advice to people dealing with cancer. For some reason I’m still like DRINK WATER. so much water your going to drown. I have to remind myself to shut up. About cancer, and strokes...I have to remind myself how much we hated other people’s stories and encouragement. But, it’s so hard to hold back.
The other day on Instagram as I was scrolling through a picture caught my eye. I don’t know what it was but I scrolled back up...it had multiple pictures in the post so I swiped to the next one-and it was pictures of their first time in infusion - and their space. I couldn’t figure out what made me stop...I rarely look at people’s pictures... but then in that first picture in the corner was the biohazard symbol that’s on every bag of chemo - and the label
‘Eutopiside’ that was also Treys first course of treatment. It just made me stop. Cold. I don’t even know what it was or where. But it all came back to me. And I just wanted to tell them to stay strong. But then I couldn’t. That fear and terror all came back and I just froze. All of those memories just came spilling out. And it really upset me because that is not really how I want to remember Trey.
I think my brain has really diluted some memories or glossed them over. So I really remember all of the good times. And I remember all of the chemo-but I remember it in a very clean sanitized happy version I think. Not happy, but not a dark time either. I think I was scrubbing all the memories and thoughts as they were being made so that they wouldn’t be as painful later on.
‘I’m fine....smile, everything’s fine...smile, we are fine...smile.’ Thats how we lived life for two years.
I still feel like I’m in that phase... everything’s okay. I think it’s only natural to throw up that wall. I’m okay. I’m okay. It’s all good. Newsflash...it’s not all good. It’s overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming. Things that shouldn’t even be a problem are overwhelming. Getting the Mail is overwhelming. I just want to get a marker and send &@?!$ Idiots DUH. Neighbors, and realtors are overwhelming. I think every neighbor had come by to ask if I’m going to sell the house let them know please.....let’s just say I’m not going to be invited to any neighborhood barbecues anytime soon.
I just hate everything that covid had stolen from us. I hate that I have an entire missing year. There are so many things to be grateful for. But so much time lost. And I don’t know if that’s because of Cancer, Stroke, or Covid. The fact that all three happened at the same time is mind blowing.
We normally went to Savannah for Memorial Day. Now it’s spent at the abbey. Savannah has to wait for a couple weekends. And I bet now I can get some onion rings......