The past two weeks have been really very difficult. Not from any one thing...just a culmination of many things, all at once.
Coronavirus/Covid has messed with my life 10 ways to Sunday.
Having covid in the first place still blows my mind. Viral Pneumonia, 12 clotting stokes, an ‘unknown’ virus, and then finally testing positive for the anti body’s-are all that tie me to covid
Just what covid has caused for me in the aftermath is unbelievable. It’s honestly just mind blowing. Yes, the strokes...but little things - like taste and smells, hot and cold, energy. And then you have the strokes...still relearning things today. I’m so thankful that I am able to relearn things, and know the people that are able to help me with that. I’m glad that most days I have the drive to try to do most things.
Besides the total lack of mental energy, and cognitive thought my vision is what drives me the most up the wall. Sometimes when i wake up at night in the pure darkness everything looks okay. That’s probably the worst mind trick ever. Temporarily thinking everything’s fixed.
Everything that happened with Trey was at the beginning of the pandemic lockdown. I think this affected me the most
I would honestly rather experience the strokes over and over and over than deal with any of that. I can’t even really describe what an absolute mental disaster that was. One day I was so excited to get out of the hospital....everything in my mind was going to be okay. Everything was great. My mom was coming back to Charleston...I threw an absolute fit that she needed to stay home and work. I was going to do this, I could do it on my own. So, I compromised. Agreed to letting her come out a week after I was released. In the next few days all hell busted loose.
In my mind I can hear Trey right now telling me to get over it and get on with it. But, the first quarter of 2020 is something I will never get over. I don’t know how you could. It was like being hit head on, then being backed over, and hit head on again. It’s disorienting.
I spend a lot of time home alone, thinking....not a whole lot else to do...and sometimes too much thinking is not a good thing. It’s hard to believe any of this is real. I spent Two years in total denial that anything was going on. For two years I thought we were beating cancer. So...it’s hard to believe that in three months everything fell apart. I just constantly sit and think what did I do to deserve all of this? What should I have done differently?
Being around Treys family all together for the first time since the inurnment felt like I shouldn’t be there, and he should. I feel like Trey was cheated his life, and for some reason I wasn’t. It’s unfair and hard to understand. It all feels wrong, and I’m just waiting for someone to come knocking at the door to tell me that a mistake has been made.
I have been dreaming a lot more about Trey lately. Those are some very bittersweet dreams. Like the vision that I think is working for that split second, I wake up and think everything’s back to normal.
Nothings ever going to be back to normal, and accepting that sucks. Everything good that happens has that twinge of guilt, that pain of wanting to share it with Trey. There are many many things that the pain of guilt are just too incredible...the day Benton and I were married. Very hard. I don’t think either of us lasted one single second without emotions. It’s weird to say, but Trey was there that day. One of the very last things he did was squeeze mine and bentons hands telling us to take care of one another.
‘Moving on’ with Benton is probably what bothers me most...because moving on has not even been a thought. We talk about Trey more than I even type about him. Constantly.
Trey was the biggest single influence in my life...everything is tied back to him, every thought, idea, everything.
He was also a huge influence in Bentons life. Helping him get his life together, focusing on the right things. He really taught benton how to laser focus, but at the same time to look at the big picture. He really opened Bentons mind to new avenues, and new processes.
Having someone like that taken away is not an easy thing.
The feeling of loneliness for the months right after Trey left was insane. It was literally benton and I alone. My mom had to fly out the very next day...everything went into total lockdown. We shut down the business at lightning speed...and then after that it was just sitting at the house alone. Scared, and alone.
Now that things are calming down a new normal is emerging. For benton at least...he will be going back to school soon. For me...it’s still so unknown. Someday it will come to me. Until then I may have to learn Braille...I’m so tired of reading on my phone. Even that’s too hard, and tiresome. I miss reading...I miss everything. So many things are taken for granted.
I never ever in my life thought that I would be on a fixed income totally dependent on someone else...I never in my life imagined I might actually need to learn Braille, or have a walker, or be the owner of a blind stick. I never thought I’d be that guy in the bathroom knocking on the ADA bathroom stall door asking if they’re really handicap. Or be the guy that people look at wondering ‘what’s wrong with him?’ - it’s easier to just wear my dark glasses, and be the blind guy.
It’s hard to look forward when everywhere I look is a mess. But, I’m trying to stay positive and trust that something will surface when the time is right.
I’ve never been a patient person...with a stroke you have to be nothing but patient.
Trey used to always always remind me...patience is a virtue.