So much Grief, so little time…

Lately it’s been nothing me a lot lately how often I circle back, and revisit things that I have absolutely zero control over. I do this over, and over, and over…not intentionally, but it’s almost as if I’m stuck, and can’t get out of it.


I do it with everything now. It’s almost as if my brain can not make it all make sense if that makes any sense.


I lost my independence, and more … two months and 5 days after my stroke I lost everything, when Trey passed.

Not only did I lose Trey, I lost everything we had worked for all of those years. Everything, gone that day.

Immediately started shutting down the office. Like immediately…we had to be out by April. I just remember being in a daze … walking around not even comprehending what was going on. The only thing I absolutely remember is I did not want Tommy & Brenda there. I hated the way everything was happening. I did not want them to see a life’s work being thrown into boxes. It was horrible. Absolutely horrifying. The week before everything that I have known my entire adult life was taken, and now everything that I knew, and had done for so so long was being packed. Office stuff being sold. Everything that I knew was gone.


All I did was stand out of the way, and stare at the walls. It was not anything anyone should do. That’s why I did not want the Strocks around. We go the office closed down pretty quick…and then, it was over. Covid was in full effect…


All I remember about Lockdown was watching Tiger King, and going to Costco to buy toilet paper on handicapped day. They made me shop alone…blind, could barely walk. But, I did get toilet paper for us and boca vista. I also shoplifted on accident some glass storage containers, and something else. Just rolled on out with it. Apparently at some point I grabbed someone else’s Buggy and didn’t see them. Oh Well.


It was all very very weird. In may I had to leave town. Came back in June. Inurned Trey, and it was almost like losing him all over again. I was up there 3 times a week to see him.


At the end of summer I was there visiting Trey, and my phone started exploding. My Grandad had passed.

I could not believe what was happening. Since I was in the hospital my grandad had been calling all the time to check on me. So many times. He and my gram were the only people to call me directly in my room. Almost daily. ‘TJ this is your Grandfather…’. He ALWAYS said that. Every now and then he would say ‘TJ5 this is TJ3’ but usually this is your grandfather. He kept telling me to do my therapy, so why they say, and WALK. I think my very first day of therapy he told me to get up and walk … ummm Sir, I can’t even sit up, but I’ll go walking.


Every day - how far did you walk today? 3 steps, 10 steps, 30 steps. And everyday, well why’s you stop? There was none of the oh poor you, you’ll get there, take it easy…nope, it was well go farther, farther - show them you can. Don’t sit around and wait. You gotta get yourself back.


I really think he really pushed me to get out of there. The day I got home he wanted to know where I was going walking. When Trey went into the hospital he would call to see how everything was, and to make sure I was still doing therapy and walking. The day Trey passed he called, with condolences, and figured it was okay not to walk. But I had to get back to it. ASAP, because he didn’t want everything to disappear. The next afternoon he called. ‘TJ this is your grandfather… I know it’s going to be really hard, but Trey would want you to keep going, get out of the house, and walk’. He called very regularly to check and make sure I was okay, and walking.


We drove out to NM in may, and I got to see him. He got to see me walking. I was still on my walker - but I was getting around. That’s the last time I saw him, but not the last time I talked to him.


So, that September 29 was a hard hard day. It was shocking.


And then January 1st Beauregard passed as soon as we got the emergency vet. I knew that was coming. But, it was still hard as heck.


Six months later, Bess was gone.


Everything that I had known was gone. Beauregard was never the same without Trey. I think he was sticking around to make sure I made it Thru my surgery alright.


Beauregard was Miss Bess’ world. Without him, she was lost. Everything had changed so much, and she followed and copied everything Beau did.


So everything was BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.


I don’t think I ever got a chance to process any of it. I was figuring out my stroke, but then I was dealing with everything, not wanting anyone to have to deal with it. Then it was closing down the business. Then it was grandad being gone. Then it was Beauregard, and then Bess.


So I never really dealt with anything, it was just here this too, this too, oh add this, and this. Surprise!!!


So I think I go in circles because it’s all a mess, none of it ever got dealt with before something else happened.


So, I’m sorry if I talk in circles. Just so much to process, and make sense of.


Everytime I learn something new about that whole time it’s like a missing link that clicks in, and sometimes changes everything else.


This week I’ve had access to Treys phone for the first time. The only things I’ve been able to read, are messages to my sister, and his.


I got to reading Missy first because of some emojis the girls had sent to Trey. I then scrolled back to the day. 1/13 And read from there. Both sisters would get updates, but then the concern would go back to Trey. Which I appreciated-because that was my main worry.

I knew Missy would be very ‘Okay, but what about you?’ And she did make him go see his therapist (thank you) & he really did. Three days later … He had an appointment.


Missy, and Trey - had this way of talking, and communicating - it made me very uncomfortable, all the time Because, they would both DIG IN, they were both right, and WHY couldn’t the other just see it their way. Always. Anytime the subject of education came up…I would kick him under the table. Give him that look 😳😡😳😡😳


And it did not matter. They dug in. 🔥💣💥🧨🌋


And then, everything was fine, or was it? 🧐🤨 it would be tense for awhile, and then fine.


But then, Trey would start to think, and consider. And he would start to see her side. This happened ALL the time.


Pack the bags. We are leaving.


Okay, go to sleep. We will leave in the morning.


Sleep. Trey would wake up. Everything’s fine. And then, everything is good. I would always hang back in the bedroom in the mornings, because Trey loved mornings with his sister, coffee, reset … and they could talk normally about whatever they were talking about before.


It always happened. Too much alike. I always told Trey there was too much Strock.


Just reading their back and forth while I was in the hospital was oddly comforting. It was the same with my sister. Talking about how mean I was being to everyone in the hospital, and how she thought it was just normal Thomas.

I went to read my mom, and Brendas texts with Trey, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t read anymore. I think I needed to see someone telling him to Stop, and take care of himself. That’s why I went to Missy.


It was all so hard to read. Seeing what Trey was thinking while I was in the hospital. Putting that whole missing piece together.


Which changes so much, or actually makes more make sense, and fills in so many voids.


I’m getting ready to go to New Mexico for Sistergirl’s wedding. I can’t even explain how hard that is. Trey knew she had met someone…he never knew she was getting married. I can not tell you how often he said…I hope she meets someone worth a damn.


So it’s going to be hard that he’s not there. Same with my Grandad. He used to always joke and say he hoped she could meet someone that could handle her.


All within a year I lost myself - temporarily, I lost Trey - everything that I had known, and grown with for most of my life. I lost TJ3 - who had suddenly become my biggest cheerleader/cattle prod/walking coach. I lost both of my dogs. Beauregard and Bess Bess. It was like a total life reset, oh add on top of that the world shutting down.

There are so many people that I wish could see my sister get married... They all would be SHOCKED she’s not serving Taco Bell to go at the wedding … it’s all going to be hard.


Everything now has that hard edge to it.

Everything that makes you happy has that razor sharp edge to remind you of what’s not there. Not that that’s a bad thing.

Sometimes that emotion is the best. Tears through Happiness.

its a big big feeling.

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