Are just hard.
Hards not even the word. Somedays just suck. I don’t even know what it is...it’s Trey, it’s the stroke, it’s the pandemic, it’s everything.
Some days I just can’t seem to do anything. I had big plans for the day...and well...I took a shower, and that’s it. Literally all day. I have not moved off the couch.
It’s hard to explain, it’s not really depression, it’s not really sadness, it’s just everything.
On top of everything...just opening my eyes is hard. Writing this I have to read snd re read and re read everything. Many times. If I don’t it’d look like this ....
On top did everythihhb...just opening day my eyes is hard Writing this I have to read snd read and re ready everytguht. Manyr rinsed. If I don’t it’s lopk liken this...
So everything is hard. Really really hard. It just takes a lot. And it’s frustrating...because I feel like it’s something I should be able to do without even thinking, and that’s just really hard. I’ve never understood disability...and how affecting it is. At all.
Growing up I remember commercials talking about double vision and if you suffer from it call this number...blah blah blah. I remember thinking who the heck suffers from double vision thats the craziest thing ever...just uncross your eyes...problem fixed....and here I am.
The more I try to uncross my eyes the further they go. That in itself is so frustrating not being able to see anything clearly. It’s always overlapped by something...and no - closing one eye doesn’t work...my eyes are frozen horizontally...so they don’t move left to right at all...up and down is a bit better...except they don’t move equally - so that’s a roller coaster ride from hell...I don’t like to move my eyes at all, and put an eye patch on me and I can’t walk-at all. I’m a mess. When we are traveling benton has to walk me around everywhere. It’s embarrassing. Being the ‘blind’ guy.
In my walker I do fine...but without it in a weird place (like a gas station) I’m lost. Benton had to walk me in to the bathroom, and then come back to get me after he’s filled up the car. I don’t even know how to describe that feeling of helplessness.
Being THAT dependent on someone is really really hard.
That’s a whole new level of levels. When it’s happening to someone else you feel bad for them...when it’s happening to you, that’s a different story. When I can’t escape my vision, when I can’t escape the incessant ringing in my ears, I can’t escape the weakness to walk, the weakness to stand, the need to constantly have a nap. I think that may be the hardest part of a disability - not being able to escape it, no matter what.
Somedays...moving from the couch to my chair is a big deal.
And some days accepting that just sucks. Thinking about what life used to be. I can’t even go into that...but it’s true, in so many ways...
I had one life before my stroke. And in January 13, 2020...a whole new life started.
2020 changed everything. In so so many ways...and that’s really really hard to accept, and move forward with.