Still hard to Believe…

A year and a half later … what?

15 months later … and I still expect Trey to walk in and holler ‘Hello!!! I’m home. Where is everybody?’

Somedays it’s like I want to sit at the back door and wait. Somedays I just know he’s coming home.

Things are changing. And change scares me. It always has, Trey was always the one constant I could always count on for reassurance. And now I feel utterly lost and alone at times. Trey always understood. Sometimes he wouldn’t say or really do anything…he was just there when I needed.

I’d walk in to his room - the Den - and just say ‘Trey’ and he’d do his whole process of pausing/shutting down everything. Trey ALWAYS had YouTube on, while reading a magazine, on the internet researching what he just read…and have the news open on his iPad. Trey was always connected. His brain must have always gone 300 mph. And never relaxed. But, he would pause all that when I needed.

Whatever it was that I was worried about/panicking over he would just listen and then always knew what to say. And if he thought I was being stupid all he would have to say is ‘well…in Sandler….” And I would RUN out of the room. Sandler drove me nuts, and he knew it.

Yesterday I was at the hospital for half a day in psychological, behavioral, and baseline appointments for this medical diet I start today. I’m super super nervous about it. In more ways than one.

Doing this diet…Honestly Trey would not be a lot of help. He would think I’m insane…4 shakes a day. And two medical bars a day…for twelve weeks. ARE YOU INSANE??? Food was everything to Trey. This whole diet would be absolutely insane to him. He would have supported me though to get everything fixed and working again…but this three month fast would have been quite the test.

I miss Trey terribly. I would do anything to go back and change all of this. I just feel like his last three months were ripped away from me. I knew something was up … but I didn’t know. I just know I was so mad when he wasn’t there. Now I feel so bad for being so selfish and angry he wasn’t there. I just hate the way everything happened. Why couldn’t Trey be here to see me recover to see me do everything I’ve done? My body has been through the ringer, and somehow I’ve made it through. Now…if I can get my GI stuff to restart and reset I feel like I’ll be set.

But it’s also a really hard thing and one that I want and need Trey for. I just feel like Trey would totally get it, and understand my worries. No one else does…everyone just says oh I’m glad it’s not me…that’ll be hard. Trey would make it seem like the worst thing ever…but then at the same time he would make me feel like I could do it no problem.

But, then 3 hours in he’d ask if it was over yet. Let’s get lunch.

I panic internally and I miss Trey knowing that and forcing me to stop and refocus.

I’ve been on this diet for one hour and fifty three minutes. Only 2014 more hours to go…and then I get to eat lettuce. WOO HOO.

12 weeks on a 940 calorie diet and then 18 weeks to transition back to food.

This will be a journey.

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