The Last Fight...

It was a year and a couple days ago...maybe 2 3/4 days ago. I was scheduled to be released from the hospital on the 15th.

I was so ready to be home, but at the same time physically I was not. Still, I wanted to be home. I know I’ve already covered all this...while I let Trey know how exactly bad I wanted out is one of the only times I’d seen him cry. He finally convinced me to stay for the extra time, it would be better for me, and he needed that. I remember him saying he needed me to get every drop of therapy I could.

A year later and looking back at everything (it really is a slight obsession as I try to make sense of where I am today) I realize now there were many many times Trey wanted to tell me something, tried to tell me something; but, he would always stop and just say all he wanted was for me to focus and get as well as I could. If I pressed him on what he was going to say he would get me talking about something else mostly what I was able to do - I LOVED telling/showing people what I could do. So, all he had to do was bring that up and I’d start talking and get distracted.

Anyhow last year Valentine’s Day was on Friday. Trey came by in the middle of the day, surprised me as I was still in therapy. I’m not sure what. But something was off that day. I do remember asking him what he needed to tell me...I always knew when he needed to talk. I remember him saying nothing...and just that he was so amazed and proud of me for getting through this. I remember Katie handing him a tissue and saying ‘it happens all the time-people are just so amazed seeing everything work again’...I remember now thinking to myself those weren’t tears for my therapy...but I got distracted again and didn’t ask. Actually I thought to myself I needed to ask him what was going on when I got out of therapy.

Katie let me out early, so I had about a 15 minute break between therapists. Trey walked me back to room 366. I do remember he was wearing his classic valentine outfit. Jeans, White comfy Ralph Lauren button down, and his red gap jacket...the jacket always looked big on him...so I’m sure that’s why nothing ever stood out to me. You have no idea the feeling I have now of trying to understand why I couldn’t see and process everything back then. I feel like a thoughtless moron for not seeing what was going on.

I remember missy being there twice. I remember her carrying in camellias twice. I remember her being upset...and dummy me thought - oh wow. She’s really upset that I’m here. I remember telling Trey I couldn’t believe she was so upset. And he just shrugged it off. I now realize that she was seeing what I couldn’t...what I refused to see.

if only I could go back in time. I know in early February Trey had two big Drs appointments. I hate that he didn’t share that with me at the time. But, I know why...

He needed me to stay there and focus because he knew the instant I knew anything...my days in therapy would be over. I would leave that hospital quietly, or be rolling away in my wheelchair as the hospital burned to ash. Trey knew the second I thought ANYTHING was wrong it was over, and all of my attention would be moved to him.

The whole time all he would say is he’s good. And when is question anything - why are your parents staying at the house? All I’d get it a roll of his eyes and a shrug of the shoulders. I just know he was loving Brenda cooking.

My Last card from Trey

Valentine’s Day he did ask if he could come up for dinner, he wanted to talk to benton and I. I got excited and remember offering to buy him and missy a tray of food. That did not excite him(at all) I remember camellias, and a card...I remember feeling bad because I had no card, I had no wallet, and no car. I remember hugging Trey goodbye and he told me ‘well it wasn’t Chez Nous’. We laughed. And then he said something that made zero sense. He told me ‘Benton is a good guy. Be nice to him. And, he will take care of you’

It’s so hard to process anything, because it was literally dumpster fire 2020. There’s just so much to comprehend, so much to digest, too much.

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