This weeks been a tough one. I’ve already said that. But, it’s been super tough this weekend.
Last year we had no way to unlock Treys phone. I could get him to open up his eyes so that face recognition would work. But things went so crazy at the end I couldn’t get his password out of him to unlock the phone. He would tell me numbers but all jumbled up and not making sense. I could not remember passwords for anything at the time either. I thought it had a 1, 4, 7, 8, 9. But no clue on the order.
I remember we had to do a payroll transfer. And thank the lord for Brenda. I don’t think either of us were in the right frame of mind. It was a total disaster. Not really-But, at the time it was. I hated that it had to be done. I hated having to leave Trey for banking. I hated everything about everything in that moment. I had just been released from the hospital. Right BACK to the hospital with Trey, I didn’t know which was was up, or down, or anything.
When Trey was admitted to the hospital I kept telling him it was a good thing. He was dehydrated, they could get everything back on track. The whole time I was in the hospital all I was worried about was is he taking his medicine? Is he taking the anti nausea meds? The one that makes him sleep? He needed his sleep medicine because without it he would stay awake and think and not sleep. I asked him about it all so much that he would get annoyed with me and tell me to focus on me. For the longest time no one could understand me at all. And all I wanted to know is how was Trey? That’s all I wanted to know. I had spent the last two years making sure everything was alright. Making sure he took his meds, making sure when he needed it I’d give him the sleepy medicine. He hated it…but, I did not care. He needed rest and I wouldn’t listen to him.
Trey was stubborn. He never wanted to get addicted to drugs. It was a constant battle. He would never listen to the Dr. at all. He would pick out the parts he wanted to hear…and the rest didn’t matter. Everything was always fine, he was doing good good good. So good he was wondering how the drs family was and if he had a good weekend.
Trey, always worried about everyone else.
Dr Orcutt would look at me and say Thomas how is he doing…I’d pull out my phone, and go over the list I had made since the last visit. One of the very first things was thy Trey had to take the anti nausea meds. HAD to take them. And at night he needed the one that made him tired. That day - right then and there, I told him that he would be taking it when I gave it to him. He had no choice. And then Dr Orcutt suggested doing a mouth check, and then looked straight at Trey, and said I am NOT kidding.
Which was funny, because Trey said I was just thinking that I’d just hide it, and spit it out. We laughed.
But really after that he would take what he needed. Every now and then he would tell me I was overdosing him. So we kept a log of every pill taken. So that we could show the dr and make sure he’s not taking to many. Lord…That Log. It went everywhere, had everything in it. I remember that log well.
So in the hospital I was freaking out that no one was handling Treys medicine. I knew he was capable of it. But, I also knew he wouldn’t take something until he thought he needed it. I was also worried because I didn’t know how me being in the hospital was effecting everything. I always wanted him there, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. I’d rather him just sleep in my room. I kept trying to tell him to bring me his medicine so we could make sure it was okay. And he was taking it right. I wanted to see his log.
One thing I learned in the hospital is that I have major control issues. I always felt like if I didn’t have a handle on things it would be a mess.
Finally Trey told me his parents had moved in and were taking care of him. I KINDA relaxed. I remember always telling him to tell his mom to make chicken and dumplings. I think thats all I thought he would eat.
Now when I say I would ask and tell Trey things…I would think I was making sense to me it made TOTAL sense.
No one could understand anything I would say, At all. It was so aggravating, to Trey especially.
I remember one time I was burning up. I wanted the socks off my feet. It took awhile to get that across, no it took forever. But finally we got it.
I know really soon after that Trey had me try to write out what I wanted to say. That was disastrous. I remember that day so clearly. I was trying to write out Medicine? Chemo? Are you okay? And it didn’t work.
I have no idea how to tell you how frustrating, and scary it is to not be able to get across what you’re trying to say. It was the scariest part of everything.
Today I found that journal he was using, and had me try to write in.
Looking at it, I would have no clue at all either. I just remember writing those words specifically. So seeing them today was hard. Rather seeing what I thought were those words. The top word is totally out. I can kinda see Chemo on the second line. C is facing up h looks like a w, the e looks like an L, then no is mo. then I tried to ask are you ok? So I wrote R U OK, I can kinda see ok.
It’s the last journal Trey was keeping, it doesn’t match anything I would have thought was his. Trey ‘journaled’ in the same exact type of book always. This was totally different. So I wasn’t expecting to find what I did.
It was no secret that we knew Treys time was limited. It’s not anything that he ignored. Almost immediately in 2018 he started planning, thinking, and trying to get it all organized. When he knew that Benton was in it and wanted to learn he started training him, teaching him…wanted him to go to business school. He was really trying to create a copy of himself. He wanted to start teaching benton to draw, estimate…really do everything Trey did. He knew I could not, did not want to do sales. He knew Benton and I worked well together. Trey was trying to make the best out of a crappy situation.
While we were traveling across the country for Christmas he told me that he wanted to start teaching benton how to use the drafting software, and how to make it all work. He said he was going to start making a reference book he could use to figure it all out. We never talked about it again. So today the book I found was the beginnings of his Reference book for Benton.
We never knew it would be so fast. No one ever knows. But, finding this book, in a way makes me very very sad…but in another way it makes me smile at that memory of him saying he wanted to Teach Benton all about softplan, and drawing.
I did not remember us talking about him starting to plan a book until I found it. And I find it very Ironic that I find this journal right at the same time that Benton is starting to study Architecture and Drafting.
It’s almost like Trey is reminding me that that was his plan all along.
All the journal is, is him writing out codes for softplan, and how it tied into the 25 categories that Strock based every job off of.
And then it suddenly stops and becomes my medical notes, phone numbers, insurance policy information, and transferring me to roper.
It’s all hard to see how suddenly everything changed.
It’s hard to see how everything switched to focus on me. That’s really really hard. All I wanted the entire time I was in the hospital was to make sure he was okay, and focusing on that. It’s hard to accept that everything stopped and switched to me.
That’s something I don’t know how to live with. I never, ever liked attention. I never liked to be taken care of. I never wanted to focus on me. I liked being the one to take care of everything for everyone else.
Still to this day I hate asking for help. When I have doctor appointments I immediately think oh I can get there on my own. I hate feeling like I disrupt anyone’s day. I hate feeling dependent, or like a burden - pain in the butt. I don’t like attention, and I don’t know how to accept it.
A couple weeks ago I asked Tommy if he could build me a little stand to hold my calendar that I use for bill paying. I would have been happy with a block of wood and a piece of Velcro. Just anything so that I could see the screen better. Yesterday after lunch he gave me this
I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I just wanted out as quick as possible. I was about to lose it, and I hate losing it in front of people.
It hurts that I’m here, and Treys not. It hurts that he was taken away so quickly, and I was oblivious.
It hurts everyday. I am just so thankful for everyone in my life. Especially T&B I know nothing is like anyone wanted. But, without them specifically I don’t know where I would be, at all. They have pushed me nonstop. From really day 1, which can not have been easy at all. They take me to any appointment I ask them to, they‘re there to talk anytime I need, and always there for advice any time. They are just really really good people.