Can we skip this time of year from now on please?
I don’t even know what to think, when to think it, or what to feel. It’s like one day it’s celebrate, the next it’s the complete opposite. Up and Down. Back and Forth. Sometimes literally the same day it was good news\bad news.
Now it’s hard to even remember the good news. Everything was so fast, so confusing, so strange. Nothing made sense. I don’t know if it was the stroke, or what. But I just feel like I was yanked back and forth for months. I didn’t know what to think. I knew s hi in omething was up with Trey...i thought water and 10% more food would fix it. It didn’t. Everything in the hospital with Trey fell apart. But then, they drained a bunch of fluid, and everything was totally normal. Up/Down, Up/Down.
Trey being in the hospital was terrifying. And when we left he was feeling so much better. That just allowed me to go from one extreme to the other. Everything is terrible...everything is awesome. I don’t know what I was even thinking...or if I was.
Everything was so surreal.
The day we left the hospital they had scheduled Crescent home Healthcare to come to the house on Sunday. That didn’t make any sense. Maybe that was just procedure? I had no idea what was going on, at least that’s what I kept telling myself. Nothing made sense, and that’s how I left it. Which for me was strange. I’m a very controlling person. I like control, I like knowing what’s happening, I like a plan. Here I was totally the opposite. I don’t know if I had a choice...this ride was in motion, and there was no controlling it...
Hospice had been set up to come to the house Sunday for a ‘talk’. We came home to a very normal house...except for the fact that I had a shower seat now...and therapy. It was normal. We went to the movies, & had family dinner Saturday night. Trey was tired, but not really...for just getting out of the hospital. I made stroganoff, he ate well. Everything was good.
Sunday morning the Strocks came back for the ‘hospice meeting’.
To say that that was the weirdest most surreal ‘meeting’ that I’ve ever been in is a gross understatement. I had no clue why hospice was even coming. Trey was perfectly alright. Everything was awesome.
Trey sat on the couch in front of the window, with his notepad ready to take notes. Brenda to his right, Tommy to her right on an ottoman. I sat on the chair, my mother and benton to my right. The lady from Crescent sat somewhere. She had no idea what was about to happen. None of us did. It was the strangest meeting ever. I don’t know
I didn’t understand the need for hospice. I didn’t understand at all. Hospice was for last resort, we clearly weren’t there. I mean Trey was sitting right there taking notes. Could she not see that this was clearly the wrong house?
Hospice to me was not this. Nothing like this. Hospice was last resort. We weren’t at the last resort. Nothing was making any sense. I honestly felt like I was in the middle of another hallucination. This could not be real.
This. Was. Not. Real.
This lady was starting to talk about things she need not be mentioning. Who the hell did she think she is? She was filling out paperwork for advanced directives and all this nonsense. Then started talking about if Trey signed these papers we couldn’t go to the Dr, or the hospital.
I was sitting there completely losing my mind.
WHAT THE &@$* WAS SHE SAYING? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? WHO WAS THIS LADY? IS SHE EVEN A DOCTOR? I WANT DR ORCUTT. NOW.
***in my mind it was nowhere near that calm. I couldn’t even talk, I couldn’t figure out what was going on.
Trey was not wanting to sign up for anything, I didn’t blame him. I wanted that lady out of my house so bad. She was not welcome, and she needed to get out. The sooner the better.
All I remember is Trey saying no, Brenda saying no. Everyone was saying no. I didn’t disagree. But something was bothering me. Something inside me was just screaming. I couldn’t get it out. I felt totally isolated, alone, trapped. I couldn’t process anything. I was trying to say that I needed to talk to Dr Orcutt. I needed him to tell us what to do. He was the dr. He never ever led us wrong. I needed to see him and hear why he had suggested this horrible Terrible awful Meeting. I couldn’t get anything out.
No one would shut up. Everyone in the room was giving their opinion. I remember I turned to Benton, and my mother and told them to ‘SHUT UP’ I was exactly that nice...not at all.
At that point I didn’t know what was going on. I could not grasp anything. I could not think I could not anything. I desperately wanted to wake up. I kept looking for something that would let me know that I was dreaming, and this was the hospital. NOTHING MADE SENSE.
Trey asked me what I thought. I had no idea what to think. I didn’t know where I was, who this lady was, or what was going on. All I could say was I wanted to see Orcutt. There had to be a reason why he suggested this.
You have no clue how awful I felt saying that. Everyone was agreeing that this was stupid. I was even sitting there cheering Trey on in my head as he told hospice lady that she was not needed thank you very much. But something inside me kept screaming this is a mistake. Something very wrong is happening here. Something is not right.
I looked like a grade A prime beef ASSHOLE. I know I did. I just couldn’t deal with any of this. I needed to see The Dr.
While Trey was in the hospital he kept me away from the Drs. Especially Dr Orcutt. Something was not right. I wanted to see Dr Orcutt, I was not accepting anything until I saw the dr. I didn’t care that I looked like an asshole. I didn’t know what was happening. That’s when I felt like I was being left out. I felt like no one would tell me what was really going on.
In reality no one knew what was going on. No one was hiding anything. We were all basically in the same place. I just felt like I had been left out for three months, and I was angry. I was angry at everything, everyone, it didn’t matter.
I was angry at myself. This was all my fault. Why wasn’t I there to take care of all of this and get it stopped a long long time ago. Why was I just layed up selfishly in the hospital? I should have been there taking care of everything. Why had I been such a let down? I was angry about our Christmas trip...why on earth had we done that. WHY? WHY? WHY???
The hospice lady left...with no new patient. It was such a good feeling that Trey did not think he needed, nor wanted hospice. I kept apologizing all day...but I wanted to see Dr Orcutt. Trey told me that was fine, to calm down...and that we could schedule a meeting for Monday.
I don’t know how. But I called Quinn his nurse Monday morning and got the first appointment I could. Tuesday afternoon. Clear in Mt Pleasant.
Back to where this whole fiasco had started.