I had been feeling like I had made a HUGE improvement since last year.....and then this week happened.
It hasn’t even been ridiculously hot yet and I am still getting super zapped. I go do a lap around the yard and I’m ready for a nap. Almost instantly. Like a big humid slap in the face.
Not complaining...it’s just a reminder of how much life has changed.
Been thinking about that a lot lately. It was almost a year ago that Benton dropped me off at the columbarium alone with Trey. I wanted some time alone before everyone showed up for the inurnment. I remember I was in my sandals, they were the only shoes I could really walk in at the time...and I just remember that long walk down the gravel pathway with Trey, I was having the hardest time that day.
I had been so used to doing everything with Trey for 23 years. And since his transition I had been the same with his ashes. They went basically everywhere with us - buckled into the backseat. I really wouldn’t leave the house without him. And having to then leave him at the abbey was just a hard reality that I didn’t want to face. It’s still not something I like to think about. However, it is one of my absolute favorite places to go...
It’s been 427 days, yet it still feels like yesterday in so many ways, and like 427 years in so many other ways.
It’s a horrible feeling. I’m starting to accept it will never go away. I don’t think I would ever want it to go away.
There are so many different things for me to get down in life about. So many. But, since my stroke I no longer focus on those. I cant focus on them, well I can...but benton will snap me out of it really quick. Once my mind goes negative it’s like a non stop chain reaction. I’ve found that like always it helps when I talk to Trey about them. I always talked to him about all of my crazy thoughts, and my downward spirals, and massive anxiety that I’ve always had since childhood. And it still helps to talk to him about all of my mental anguish that still exists.
I think that is probably the weirdest thing for me. Talking to Trey. And the fact that I feel like he’s listening, and still to this day pushing me forward.
Back to the heat...Monday, yesterday, and today have kicked my butt. Everyday I’ve had to come in the house and take extra naps just to make it through. Today we just went to the eye dr, grocery store, and lunch. I was worn out. Came home and slept on the couch all afternoon. Around 630 I felt like I had to get up and go walk. ...and there was that breeze.
I may just be crazy, but Trey knew I always loved a slight breeze just to move the air around. At mepkin there is ALWAYS a breeze - so I know he’s there, and days like today I feel like he’s there just making sure I’m good. I know...odd. But I find comfort in it.