Anyone that knows me knows that I am an over thinker.
Absolutely everything. Right after I was released from the hospital I received a bill just from the emergency room that I was taken to. Insurance had denied payment, and it said I owed the ER approximately $700,000.00. I was not well. At all. I thought I was going to be paying off this bill for the rest of my life. I locked myself in my room and was telling Trey they should have just pushed me out the window. I was nothing but a burden now. At the time that’s all I felt like I was.
A burden, a paperweight...useless.
The last days of Trey that’s all I remember...him convincing me that all of that was temporary, and I would be back. ‘Everything will be okay’.
It’s funny to me that the last lesson Trey had for me was that...Thomas stop your constant worry...everything is gonna be okay. Trey knew he was in his last days and that’s all he kept telling me...Over and over and over. Everything is going to be Okay...
For me it’s always been if something goes wrong, or not as planned-everything is ruined. It never mattered...it could not be fixed, it was wrong, therefore it was ruined. I don’t know where that trait came from...probably bad parenting(Tim) something didn’t go my way it was all done. Garbage...moving on.
In my second life(after the stroke) I’ve really let all of that go. Not by choice really....kinda forced. But I have basically given up/lost the total control that I liked. And, surprisingly I don’t miss it. At all.
I have heard and read many peoples accounts of life before and after a stroke. MANY many many of them talk about how life changes so drastically after a stroke. It really really does. Not being able to move, not being able to breathe on your own, eat, anything is very very humbling.
Before I moved to rehab I had to BEG for ice chips. I just wanted some kind of moisture. Water was all I wanted. I remember one night Trey went and found something with some kind of flavor. I was craving orange juice or lemons. He brought back Sierra Mist. I had Sierra Mist flavored ice. Not the best thing in the world. But, it was something. Tommy would feed me ice chips snd try to convince me it was orange juice...that is one thing I will never forget-Sitting with Tommy - and him feeding me ice cubes watching the golden girls. I remember thinking WHAT IN THE HELL IS HAPPENING. I knew at points I was in the hospital, but at other times I didn’t know where I was.
It was the scariest thing ever. I knew that I had a stroke, but then I also remember not knowing what was going on. I feel like I would ask the same questions over and over, and literally not know that I was just asking it. My sister was there. I know that. Because she is in most of my hallucinations. I remember my mom only because of the forced therapy and she was always crying so I thought I was doing bad. Tic tac toe with Brenda, and asking where was Trey every ten seconds.
I really don’t remember clearly until the rehab move. And that’s when I remember having to be taught to eat again. Puréed food. I did not care. It was delicious and I had to eat 75% of my plate or be hooked up to the feeding tube...if I couldn’t get there I made benton eat the rest of my food.
I remember all of the other patients stayed in their rooms. Not me. I wanted to be out. Constantly. Peddling the halls. I’d always walk Trey and everyone down to the exit doors. Every-time. If you ever know anyone that has a stroke ... give me a call. I know exactly what they’re going through. I know that feeling of total uselessness.
Trey tried to keep telling me that it was all temporary ... and still to this day it feels more, and more temporary.
I’m starting to really figure things out. What this new life is going to be about. Finding my new place in this totally changed world.
Priorities are really changing...but they’re not. The path that we spent 20+ years building was completely blown apart in 2020 - rebuilding all of that is a slow arduous process.
But, having known Trey so well, and for so long-I feel like he’s still right here walking along the way telling me it will all be okay it’ll all be okay. Trey was the only person that could calm me down, and it’s weird...but he still is.