Naps & Daily meditation. A ton.
I’ve been a long time fan of Andy & Headspace (still a very great place to start...and now it’s on Netflix)
But, earlier this year Jay, my coach at the gym, turned me towards ‘Waking Up’ with Sam Harris ... another app. But it’s so much more...without really being more.
Meditation really just makes you slow down...analyze things, think about them/not think about them...really get down to what’s important. YOU.
Since my stroke, well since the dumpster fire of 2020 really...life’s been a whirlwind. That’s an understatement. I often compare it to a blender. It has often felt like just as everything’s about to settle some jack nugget hits the pulsate button....everything is still the same - just mixed up...thoroughly.
My mind gets to racing, panic sets in...I lose all control(which is now common). That fear of being alone is right there...Trey was the only person that’s ever understood that panic. He never fed into it, he would never baby it...he was always very matter of fact. This is what you have to do...how are you going to do it???
I go from 0 to 60 in less than 1/10th of 1/10th of a second. He always knew how to stop me, or how to talk me down.
He would either do something to make me so mad in another direction, something to scare me, or make me laugh...anything to distract me and snap me out if it. Sadly almost like a shock collar for a dog...just a little vibration can snap them right out if it. But what he did worked. And he could keep me calm to actually think, and plan things out. Even while I was in the hospital he would do that to try and stop me from going down the depression route.
Before the stroke I never really showed emotion. I hid all of my feelings, tucked tight away...that I think is mostly (totally) thanks to my dad. Bad bad childhood-dealing with him, and all those feelings of abandonment, and not being good enough.
After the stroke the walls I had carefully built over 35-40 years were gone. Trey would say ‘this is the new Thomas. The emotional Thomas’
It’s really really really hard to accept that my last few months with Trey were in a hospital-recovering from total disaster. But, I believe everything happens for a reason...and I am so grateful for everything. I’m so lucky that
I survived a stroke in the pontine as big as mine was(the outlook was not good)
That I’m not ‘locked in’ permanently
Trey fought for me and made sure I had everything I needed
It’s almost as if Trey made sure that I would be okay in every way before he left...that now I don’t feel like I have any choice but to go forward and be the absolute best that I can. I’m doing everything I can to improve...I’m averaging about 25 miles a week of walking. I’m doing therapy at the gym 3/4times a week. I’m noticing certain things improving. I’m making my life work, and figuring out what exactly my life is going to be now. I’ve hit a major wall, and am still picking up the pieces. So it’ll be awhile.
In the meantime everything has changed. I no longer have Treys reassurance, and calming demeanor...so, naturally I go to Tommy & Brenda for everything.
And I mean EVERYTHING.
The AC is messed up...what do I do?
Probate stuff...what do I do?
I’m closing down the business...🤷🏻♂️?
Is it smart to lease a car?
What about this what about that?
Should toilet paper go forward or backward? (okay maybe not that...but just about)
Just every random hair-brained idea / question I have. It’s weird because I get the very calm/thought out/business minded Trey reaction from Brenda....and the very blunt/ but still thought out(for 5 seconds)/knee jerk(and usually right) Trey reaction from Tommy.
It’s almost like seeing inside Treys head, and the way he thought, and calculated...Brenda and Tommy often mostly agree, they just say things differently- just like Trey. Very confident in his answer. But then sometimes they don’t agree at all...just like Trey...well, but then ya got this, and this. Or what about this? Aye, it’s a mess. And you’d see Trey work his way down to the right answer...and figure it out. (Usually Brendas way in this Scenario) Trey would most always go with reason, and education. If he ever went with knee jerk right away - It was that way or the highway. VERY decisive.
So talking to the Strock’s is extremely comforting, and a good show. There’s just an extreme familiarity there.
The other thing I’ve really focused on is meditation. To really slow my brain down. Really to just focus on things that I can address, things that I can’t, and things that I need help with.
Not producing an income is extremely hard. EXTREMELY HARD. Trey had forced me to start saving...and thank god I did. After medical bills, and the last year it’s dwindling down to zero. So not having anyway to replenish that is a bit self defeating. Bentons able, and had been working -trying as hard as he can to match the income we once had. We are able to pay all the bills, and eat. And soon there will come a time that once again we are able to rebuild savings.
It’ll all work out in the end. One thing I’ve massively learned is stress does nothing.
Meditation has really opened my eyes to anxiety and stresses. Even more now, than before the stroke. It’s really helped me to focus on me, and within me. I know that sounds all hocus pocus ... but really it’s not.
My life has been forced to slow down. I’m made to see things TOTALLY different than I ever have. It’s forced me to look at what’s important, and worth the time and energy. Life’s forced me to look at everything, analyze. And over analyze everything. Something I wish I had done years ago. Something I feel like everyone needs to take the time to look at for themselves.
I know this post is ALL over the place. But, if you’re interested, like REALLY interested in a free month of meditation let me know, and I’ll send you one free month. It’s totally worth a try...it’s totally free, you don’t have to enter any card information, anything. It’s 10 minutes a day - and I promise you by the end of the month you’ll see things a bit differently.