What if???

You know the part that sucks the most? Feeling like a failure. Thinking I let Trey down. We did something wrong, or didn’t try something we should have. Second guessing everything.

With Treys care it was all left to Trey. He’s very particular about things, and people. If he liked someone, they could almost do no wrong. Trey was a person that looked for the good in everyone. He could laser focus on that. He really had the ability to bring out the good in people, and showcase it. Trey was a big BIG personality. Everyone everywhere he went knew him, or knew they needed to know him. He just had that thing that some people have(mine was lost in shipping)

Trey could make you think that he loved you and really cared. That’s how he made everyone feel. Like they were the only thing that mattered in the world. It didn’t matter at all how he was feeling, what he was dealing with - he always wanted to make sure you were good.

We always joked, or discussed, okay maybe tensely...maybe there was no joking...just tense come to Jesus meetings. Especially early on...over the years I got used to it, and really ignored it. It’s almost like Trey had an on/off switch. I really don’t know how to describe this, so you have to bear with me. It’s nothing real or bad. I guess it’s more my own insecurities, and wallflowerisms if that makes sense.

Trey and I were always very private just always were, both of us. Never really talked about ourselves. For years and years at work never talked about it. Just not something that mattered. When April started she thought we were brothers for months. Then the nitwit realized I wasn’t a Strock. Made her West Virginia head just start a spinnin. We just weren’t something we discussed. It wasn’t shame or anything...just we were who we were and that’s that. Hazel our famous next door neighbor - we never told her, but she used to come over to take a tour of the house every week (she was nosey) and she eventually just said ‘I’ve never known two men before...but okay. Where’s Georgy? Have ya seen my teeth? I’ve lost my teeth’. Hazel was always losing her teeth. She would holler out the back door ‘TREY - THOMAS??? HAVE YA SEEN MY TEETH?’ The other neighbor that used to come visit Miss Hazel came over after she passed and said she always told her we was two men. With no womens. But she liked us and we were nice to her so that was okay with her.

So we never really discussed ourselves ever. So many times at work I would get asked ‘is Trey married? Is he single? My daughter needs a husband’ all I’d ever say was ‘Nope he ain’t married’. And then I’d tell him - so and so is trying to fix you up. That’s the only way I could ever make his realize that he was taking the Trey up too far. He could turn on that sweet talking ‘Paul Newman’ magnetism just like his dad. It was funny, and annoying. We would be out somewhere doing something, and all of a sudden that switch flipped and everything changed. It was like I suddenly disappeared. At first it was just angering. But then I realized...that’s just who he is. Gotta sit and wait for the magical mystery show to end...and then we can return to life. Everytime he would say...I just did it again didn’t I? And laugh. It really did get to be a joke.

Wen Trey was diagnosed, even before he was diagnosed I had a list of who and what to go talk to. Specialty hospitals, everything. I didn’t even know what type of cancer he had, or if it was for sure cancer. I had lists. We were ready. Mayo, Johns Hopkins, hospitals in Texas. Everything. He was like Thomas we are going to go to one in Charleston. And see what they say. He was NOT traveling. We had a business to run. So then I switched everything snd started researching places in Charleston. MUSC and somewhere called Charleston Hematology And Oncology.

The very first appointment I could get was with Charleston Hematology (CHOA) 3 days later MUSC. The MUSC appointment never happened because Trey really like CHOA, and all the staff. Dr Orcutt was also very real, and direct with Trey. He really liked that and appreciated it. When we left he called snd canceled everything else. He had found exactly what he wanted. Someone that didn’t try to sweet talk anything, just said it how it was and went from there. Once Trey dug his heels in there was no change. And he was pretty dug in on his Dr. In that situation there’s not much to do...there was even a point where the dr was basically begging him to have other places look at everything. No interest. He asked the dr if they were any smarter than he was. Nope? Well then no. He was not interested. Later I okayed dr Orcutt to share Treys records with Studies snd Research labs. Trey was not happy about that. And it’s the only time I did that. He always made it very clear that he had complete faith That Orcutt would do everything possible. It took probably an hour to calm Trey down to understand that really he just wanted all new fresh eyes to look over everything and see if there was anything they were missing.

Dr Orcutt was quickly forgiven. I on the other-hand remained on the shit list for quite some time.

It all came back with the same course of treatments we were on. So nothing groundbreaking at all, but it was reassuring that everything came back with very very similar actions. But, now, it’s like should we have stopped? Should we have kept pressing on? What if?

It’s hard for me to deal with, it’s been hard to deal with from the beginning. Trey on the other hand was always cool and collected. There were times things got very intense, but for the most part Trey was always a superhero. Everyone would always comment ‘How is he in such a good mood always? - Does anything phase him? Why he so happy?’

I still don’t know how to quite answer that. Trey always wanted to be the sun in someone’s day. The gas station attendant, or a millionaire downtown...he treated everyone the same. Trey genuinely cared about people...it wasn’t fake...he really cared. He may not remember names...but he always had me to fill in the blanks. Trey was always happy because it took more energy to not be happy. It’s easier to smile than it is to frown.

I really don’t think there are many people like Trey left in this world. And that’s hard to think about...along with the never ending what if’s?

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