…it hits hard.
I can not believe this is the second set of holidays without Trey. In a major way it feels like the first. 2020 was such a massive cluster bomb…I’ve blocked it out.
It seems like a lot of the things Trey and I normally did are on a ‘no go zone’ list. I don’t purposely avoid them…but I do.
Last week there was a dinner, I know if Trey was here and had heard about it I would have come home, and he would say I bought tickets…we are going. So when tickets became available I got them. It was the first time going somewhere that Trey absolutely LOVED without him…and with all of my emotions.
There was a big meet, drink, and mingle before dinner…so naturally I ran inside and sat at the table. That Trey wouldn’t like, but I can’t see, and I’m in the way. But, I made it through the night. Really well. Of course, I got the chicken….but I did try the scallops, and the halibut, twice actually.
We had wine…NOT a good idea when you haven’t had anything to eat or drink forever and a day. But, it was a great meal, a great time. Sitting there talking with Benton about Trey was nice. We both realized without Trey we would never have had that palate, or experienced food quite like that. There are so many many things that without Trey I would never have experienced.
Dinner was nice, but different. I always have that feeling that I need to run home and tell Trey all about everything still. I always have an incredible pang of guilt for doing anything without him. I don’t know that that will ever go away. I don’t know that I want it to.
Over the weekend I was organizing(seems like a nonstop process) and I found a stack of cards from when we moved into the house. It included the very first cards Trey had ever given me. Addressed to ‘Cricket’ …. I think he called me that because everyone always said I was so quiet…but always said, enjoy it….because once he starts talking he will never shut up.
I used to think he was crazy, I don’t talk a lot…. But, now I realize he was right. When we go to see T&B on Tuesdays it’s like I take a deep breath after I ring the doorbell…and I don’t breath again until we leave. It’s so bad that Tommy tells me to shut up now, and he asks benton how he is…and then I can talk. He has actually told me I never shut up, so he has to make me.
🤷🏻♂️ I never get to see people now, so I feel like I have to get it all out. I don’t know who I am.
Anyhow. I found my stack of cards. Trey was a card giver. Valentines, Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I kept all of them. If you’ve ever given me a card, I still have it. Most cards are just basic. None from Trey were. He always wrote what he was thinking at the time. I have always kept special cards separate from regular cards. I love going back and reading those. Letters from Gram & Grandad Sheppard, Aunts, Family, customers….my favorites are the last letter or note that my grandad sent me, Wheezer, I have one from Brenda(after her hospital tour), and one from Brenda&Tommy for Christmas. Normally they were just signed -Brenda&Tommy. This one from 2016 was the first time Tommy wrote in my card.
I’m not sure how to explain how that felt. I was speechless. I remember Trey kept
Asking me what was wrong. When we got home I showed him. All he said is ‘well…That’s SOMETHING I never expected.’…something I never expected either.
It was the first time I got a ‘143’. It was, and still is a big deal. I found that card this weekend too.
So, as you can imagine it’s been a mix of emotions at the house.
The first note was my birthday 1997. My last card was 23 years later on Valentine’s Day.
Way too short.